It's the first results show for this season of Dancing With the Stars. Inquiring minds want to know, of course, whether we'll have to watch Tom DeLay awkward his way around the dance floor after tonight. (Please, no!) But even though this show is bloated, I'll keep it to the basics.
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel reprise their Viennese waltz from last night at the request of the judges -- no surprise as far as I'm concerned. That was definitely the surprise of the show so far.
Men are up first to learn the results: Louie and Chelsie are safe, as are Aaron and Karina. After a goofy segment about the "Losers' Club," more results: Mark and Lacey are in, as are Chuck and Anna and Donny and Kym. Also safe are Tom DeLay and Cheryl (WHAT? What is WRONG with you, AMERICA?) and Michael Irvin and Anna, meaning that Ashley Hamilton and Edyta are out.
Then, for some reason, we're forced to see the world premiere of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" video. (Strangely, too, in this version of the song, it skips the verse where she's so excited about the Jay-Z song on the radio.)
Women's results start next. Natalie and Alec are safe, as are Mya and Dmitry.
For the Macy's Stars of Dance performance, it's the cast of The Lion King. Whoa, the costumes are amazing.
Back to results: Melissa and Mark are safe, and so are Joanna and Derrick and Debi and Maks.
We take a break from the results for a dance tribute to "friend of the show" Patrick Swayze. First, Chelsie and Dmitry dance to "She's Like the Wind." Anna T. and Jonathan start their segment evoking the pottery scene from Ghost, dancing to "Unchained Melody." And of course, Cheryl and Tony re-enact the last dance from Dirty Dancing, to "I've Had the Time of My Life." That was very sweet. And tear-inducing. Rest in peace, Patrick.
Then the last of the results: Kelly and Louis are safe (I hope that's a duh), as are Kathy and Tony, which means that Macy and Jonathan are out.
That's not a big surprise. Tom Bergeron tells her that, "as a lover of live television, I was looking forward to seeing what you were going to say next week."
I guess we get another week of Tom DeLay, whether we like it or not.