Few things in sports are quite as ridiculous as NFL mock drafts. People who have no idea what they're talking about update them twice a day based on hunches and rumors, and they're still about as accurate as Mel Kiper's. (Which is to say ... not very accurate.) With that in mind, we are attempting to bring you the least informative mock draft ever. Instead of trying to guess which players various NFL teams might select, we're going to conduct a three-part mock draft based on who they should select, people who could most help the franchise. And instead of limiting the pool to players who have actually entered the draft, we've placed no such limits on anything. The people do not even have to be real.
11. Buffalo Bills
Selection: Dr. Jennifer Melfi, psychiatrist; unwitting accomplice
Analysis: There is a lot of evidence to suggest that one of David Chase's main points in The Sopranos was that therapy is complete b.s., and that essentially we are who we are by the time we reach adulthood thanks to the choices we've made, and try as we might, there is really no altering that. (Chase chose Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" for a specific reason in the minutes before Tony -- SPOILER ALERT! -- offed his nephew Christopher after a car crash. The child is grown; the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb. Tony had become numb to who he really was. It's why he screams "I get it!" at the end of the episode "Kennedy and Heidi," in the desert. At least that's my take.) All that said, it would be nice after failing to rehabilitate Tony Soprano if Dr. Melfi could get another shot at the impossible with Terrell Owens, who is kind of like Tony in some respects in that he's prone to violent mood swings, he seems to have occasional panic attacks, he gets a little upset when he's not the center of attention, and he occasionally belittles others just for his own entertainment. You know he's going to have some kind of meltdown during the dreary days of winter and end up putting out a hit on his quarterback, whomever he may be. It might take a few weeks to get Melfi up to speed on football, considering she once thought RICO was a cousin of Tony's, but hopefully she'll help T.O. direct his power and his anger toward those who deserve it in no time.
12. Denver Broncos
The Karate Kid
Analysis: Karate Kid references usually feel a little dated and cliche, but that was before Josh McDaniels showed up in Denver looking like Daniel LaRusso, screwing up everything he touched and getting his skinny butt kicked by the local and national media. Since McDaniels is only about 16 years old and probably still learning how to shave, he clearly has a lot to learn. That might mean hours of washing Broncos helmets and painting the walls of the practice facility, but just when he's ready to throw a tantrum and storm back into the Cobra Kai dojo (where Bill Belichick is teaching his players to sweep the leg), Mr. Miyagi's brilliant plan will reveal itself, and the young coach will learn he's been learning patience and strategy the entire time.
13. Washington Redskins
Selection: Fezzik, reluctant henchman, The Princess Bride
Analysis: Although the 'Skins could have just gone right ahead and drafted Andre The Giant, the professional wrestler here, (since this is, after all, a completely fake and ridiculous draft) we feel that Fezzik is a natural fit if only because Daniel Snyder reminds us a lot of Vizzini, Fezzik's boss and the self-proclaimed smartest man in the world. (Your wits are obviously no match for his; he would never get involved in a land war in Asia, or sign Jeff George to be his quarterback. Again.) Another sweet aspect of this pick is that Clinton Portis could totally dress up like Inigo Montoya on media day. Can you imagine the havoc Fezzik could wreak on the NFC East? If you put him on the defensive line, Tony Romo would probably burst into tears and bury himself in Jessica Simpson's cleavage just to get over it. On road trips to Philadelphia, he'd eat every cheesesteak in the stadium prior to the game, and Andy Reid would be so distraught he didn't get to have his halftime hoagie, he'd eat his clipboard midway through the third quarter. Anybody want a peanut, indeed.
14. New Orleans Saints
Selection: Clay Davis, senator; man with his hand on the spigot
Analysis: You know why Reggie Bush hasn't quite replicated his collegiate success in the NFL? It's not because of his size. It's because there are no shady boosters waiting to slip him a briefcase full of cash after games, something I think we can all agree probably regularly occurred at USC. So in order to keep his no-talent-having girlfriend Kim Kardashian clothed in the fanciest pairs of size-16 designer jeans, he has to constantly worry about his endorsements and potential contract bonuses. Well no more, my friends, because Sen. Clay has that taken care of. It seems only right that a city known for its corruption could use the services of the most corrupt state senator we know of. He's going to take some of that "stimulus" money pouring out of the federal spigot and put it in the right hands. And you don't have to worry about getting caught by the Lester Freamons of the world trying to circumvent the salary cap because you know Clay Davis don't ask for no damn receipts. And as for Kim? As Clay might say, "Sheeeeeeeeeeee's gonna look damn fine, my friends."
15. Houston Texans
Selection: Bono, singer; humanitarian; self-promoter
Analysis: The Texans have been an NFL franchise now since 2002, and their main problem is, at the moment, that they're sort of irrelevant. I dare you to search your soul for one passionate feeling about Houston, good or bad. It's almost impossible. They just are. The fact that they finished 8-8 last season is a perfect metaphor for what the represent: blandness. This is where Bono comes in, especially since he's always helping out on relief projects and Houston did have their stadium hit by a hurricane last season. No one is indifferent to Bono. You either love him and think he's a amazing artist and human being, or you think he's kind of a self-important d-bag. There's really no in-between. That's what Houston needs, someone to spark some passionate debate about their team, for better or worse. I want Bono doing Jesus poses with Steve Slaton after touchdowns, and promising that Gary Kubiak will donate his entire salary to buy mosquito nets in Africa if the Texans win their opener. I want him walking around practice with Annie Leibovitz, trying to find the right background for he and Andre Johnson so they can appear on next's month's cover of Vanity Fair. He'd probably sign for free, as long as he can sell the movie rights to HBO, so really, it's a no-brainer of a pick for a franchise that still hasn't found what it's looking for.
16. San Diego Chargers
Selection: Johnny Utah, "Eff-Bee-Eye" agent; quarterback
Analysis: This would be a bold pick by Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith, especially because Utah’s natural position is quarterback, at least according to the opening scenes in Point Break, and the Lightning Bolts already have Philip Rivers lofting moonballs down the field with a smug look on his face. But seeing as how Rivers is sort of a loose cannon, not unlike Bodhi, the adrenaline-junkie surfer played by Patrick Swayze, it would be wise to have someone to keep an eye on Rivers, if only to make sure he doesn’t go dressing up like an ex-president and start robbing banks. Also, when you consider that Utah once jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, you have to think that kind of fearlessness might inspire LaDainian Tomlinson to suit up and play in the playoffs the next time he has turf toe. Utah also doesn’t do things by the book, and sometimes gets a little too close to the people he’s investigating, so there is a good chance he’ll be willing to look the other way if he gets wind of Shawne Merriman getting a shipment of androstenedione. Why be a servant to the law when you can be the master, right?
17. New York Jets
Selection: Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef host; model; babe
Analysis: The Jets' late season-collapse last year suggests one of two things: Either Brett Favre’s odometer hit 300,000 miles when no one was paying attention, or the team wasn’t eating right. Lakshmi, the host of Top Chef, can help change that. She knows food, having authored a best-selling cookbook, and she also made just about the sexiest commercial ever for hamburgers, which you can, and should, watch here. The Jets' brass will just have to put Joe Namath on house arrest during her tenure with the team, considering the way he tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on live television a few years ago. Lakshmi also used to be married to author Salman Rushdie, who had to go into hiding after the publication of Satanic Verses, which earned him a fatwa from the radical Muslim world. Jets' fans can probably relate, since many of their loved ones are either in, or have been in, witness protection. The fact is, three out of four Jets fans have been involved in organized crime at some point in their life. Seriously, it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia, so you know it’s legit.
18. Broncos (from the Bears)
Selection: The Scared Straight convicts, documentary filmmakers, criminals
Analysis: Now that the Broncos have addressed the problem with their teenage coach, thanks to the quiet wisdom of Mr. Miyagi, it’s time to do a little preemptive "CARE-frontation" with wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who has pretty much been a ticking time bomb during his short NFL career. Marshall has been arrested four times for various stupidities, ranging from domestic violence to speeding, and it was his dumb nightclub squabble at Kenyon Martin’s birthday a few years ago that allegedly contributed to the shooting death of cornerback Darrent Williams. (Reportedly Marshall and his cousin were the intended targets.) What’s clear is Marshall needs a couple of convicts to put the fear of God in him, to scream that if he continues to screw up, he'll be traded for three packs of cigarettes and a box of toilet water chardonnay. Instead of catching passes, he'll be catching a beating in the cafeteria. Peter Falk can even narrate the entire thing, which can be shown on the NFL Network. Instant revenue stream!
19. Tampa Bay Bucs
Selection: Gob Bluth, magician, entertainer
Analysis: In the past year, the Bucs have fired their coach, signed Byron Leftwich, and seen real-life pirates emerge as the scourge of the seas. What this franchise needs right now is someone to distract the fanbase from a makeover that's going to get ugly, especially with Leftwich at the helm. (Weird to think that the jury is still out on which quarterback was the bigger flop, Kyle Boller or Leftwich.) Enter George Oscar Bluth, who should be the answer to all the Bucs' short-term problems. For starters, he can jump out of that pirate ship before games, while Europe's "The Final Countdown" blares over the PA, and perform a series of illusions. (Remember, it's "illusions." A "trick" is something a whore does for money. Or candy.) Second, if billionaire owner Malcolm Glazer runs into financial problems, which in this economy is almost certain, Gob can be called upon to sleep with aging wealthy females, like Lucille 2, to help prop the company up short term. Plus, if the barbaric actions of Somali pirates make the Bucs cartoon mascot a bit too controversial, Gob's cartoon likeness, Mr. Banana Grabber, could serve as an immediate replacement.
20. Detroit Lions
Selection: Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter; showstopper
Analysis: Sure, I know what you're thinking: the last thing the Lions need is another wide receiver. Especially one who has admitted to enjoying the relaxed Jamaican lifestyle. But think about it this way ... Bolt is the fastest man in history, and since Detroit can't block anyone, how nice would it be to have a guy who can run down any pass you throw, even if your quarterback only has time for a 2.5-step-drop and then a blind heave down the field? Bolt also possesses just the right amount of cockiness and bravado that Detroit needs, since the franchise is currently about as miserable as Britney Spears coming down from a Red Bull-and-vodka infused bender. "I'm not Flash Gordon, mon! I'm Lightning Bolt!" the world's fastest man said after setting his second world record in Beijing. Eminem will be writing songs about him in no time.