Few things in sports are quite as ridiculous as NFL mock drafts. People with only limited knowledge of what they're talking about fill them out like they're NCAA tournament pools, and NFL teams constantly leak false information to confuse teams about who they're interested in.
Yet every year we're inundated with them. It's always funny to see some clueless pundit write that the Ravens might be "reaching a bit here, but they'll select (blank) based on need" when anyone in Baltimore over the age of 9 can tell you the Ravens' one rule is to select the best player available, and not reach for anyone. (Kyle Boller excluded, of course. Curse you, Billick!) I've seen message boards have near meltdowns based on mock drafts that look like they were thrown together by some college sophomore in between bong hits. "Darrius Heyward-Bey to the Raiders at No. 7!!! Al Davis still loves guys who can go deep! Book it!"
With that in mind, we're going to attempt to bring you the least informative mock draft ever. Instead of trying to guess which players various NFL teams might select, we're going to conduct a mock draft based on who they should select, people who could most help the franchise. And instead of limiting the pool to players who have actually entered the draft, we're going to place no such limits on anything. The people do not even have to be real. Because there is no way we'd expect you to read something this long in a single sitting -- unless your job is really boring, and even then you're probably reading Bill Simmons first -- we're presenting this mock draft in three parts leading up to the draft.
1. Detroit Lions
Selection: Optimus Prime, Leader of the Autobots; semi-truck
Analysis: The auto industry's decline has obviously hurt Detroit in a major way, so instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money on an unproven, guaranteed bust like Matt Stafford (seriously? You want to pick a guy No. 1 who wasn't even that good in college?), the Lions should instead go ahead and select Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots in the Transformers franchise. This pick works on several levels, the first being that they're going to need a reliable semi-truck, whether it's carting around a fanbase's broken spirit, or hauling Daunte Culpepper's limp body off the field
if when he gets hurt. It would also almost certainly mean Megan Fox would be hanging around Lions' games, which even if you have to put up with Shia LaBeouf, is worth it. (Look at this picture. It's as if it was snapped in Highland Park!) Of course, knowing the Lions, they'll just trade her for an injury-prone, marijuana-addicted wide receiver, but still, it would breathe some life into this miserable franchise.
2. St. Louis Rams
Selection: Winston Wolfe, problem solver, Pulp Fiction
Analysis: Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. The clock is ticking on Steven Jackson's career and this franchise is a total mess, almost like there are little pieces of brain, blood and skull everywhere. What the Rams need is for someone to come in there and absolutely clean house. If that includes putting Marc Bulger's body in the trunk of a car and taking it to Monster Joe's Truck and Tow, so be it. And if Jackson needs to get sprayed with a garden hose to finally clense the stink of Mike Martz off him, that can also be arranged. Mr. Wolfe thinks fast, he talks fast, and he's going to need Kyle Boller to act fast if the Rams are going to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, tell your fanbase to chill out, because you're sending the Wolfe, who will be arriving directly.
3. Kansas City Chiefs
Selection: John Edward Thomas Moynahan, baby; first-born son of a legend
Analysis: Sometimes in the NFL, you have to think short term, and sometimes, you have to draft with the future in mind. The distant future. This pick has the potential to pay off huge 20 years from now, when you think about it. Most celebrities' kids grow up a little soft, but no way does that happen to little John Moynahan. First of all, think he's not going to have a chip on his shoulder? Not only did dad leave mom for a hot Brazilian model, but on Sex and The City, Mr. Big left mom for Carrie Bradshaw, the most self-absorbed character in television history (at least until Meredith Grey came along). Moynahan is going to be a baaaaad little signal caller someday. Matt Cassel can keep the seat warm until he's ready. And who knows, Tony Gonzalez might even still be playing. (Seriously, that dude is ancient.)
4. Seattle Seahawks
Selection: Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
Analysis: It should be obvious by now that Larry David was the real genius behind Seinfeld, but you could never get David to live and work in rainy Seattle, so the Seachickens will have to settle for Seinfeld here. No worries though, because Jerry fits in with the franchise perfectly, especially when you consider he probably still owes Paul Allen a favor for those awful Microsoft ads he did with Bill Gates. When it rains 355 days a year, you need someone to make you laugh, especially when bad stuff is always happening to your city, like a Dust Bowl hustler steals your basketball team, or the lead singer of your city's iconic rock band tragically kills himself. Plus, remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry was forced to have a rematch of his race with the evil Duncan Meyer, his high school gym class rival? And Kramer's car backfired, allowing Jerry another head start that secured the second victory? I'm confident if he needs to insert himself into the game, he'll be behind the secondary before anyone suspects anything. Plus, his wife probably stole those recipes from that other lady's cookbook, so she's halfway to being the next Belichick if he needs a good defensive coordinator.
5. Cleveland Browns
Selection: LeBron James Jr., 2-year-old; future baller
Analysis: The best way to keep LeBron in Cleveland for the remainder of his career? Draft his son and groom him to play quarterback, which, judging by his lineage, he should be ready to do by the time he's about 14. The James' family has already saved one sorry Cleveland franchise from irrelevance, and it's obvious that Brady Quinn is too much of a metrosexual for the Browns fanbase. King James II could totally be the Peyton Manning to John Moynahan's Tom Brady. Dad should be entering that late, Michael Jordan-is-a-Wizard stage of his career where he's out-of-shape, balding, and can't even dunk anymore, but it would be sweet to see him in the Dawg Pound (wearing a Yankee cap, of course) pounding together two orange foam bones while his kid jukes one of Ray Lewis' many children.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
Selection: Father Lankester Merrin & Father Damien Karras, priests, The Exorcist
Analysis: Let's be honest, this franchise doesn't need draft picks; it needs a priest. Two, in fact. And if those priests have to die while involved with the act of chasing the demons away, we're going to need two heroes who are up to the task. Best of luck, men. If Carson Palmer's head spins around and he starts barfing pea soup, you know you're making progress.
7. Oakland Raiders
Selection: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Analysis: Over on the NFL humor blog Kissing Suzy Kolber, a blog we enjoy very much, they've been pointing out for quite awhile that Al Davis can't possibly be human. He is, most likely, a vampire. And not one of those emo vampires that Stephanie Meyer writes about in those lame Twilight "novels" (if you even want to call them that). Real vampires are dangerous. They are not your chaste boyfriend. They suck the life out of people, and Al Davis has sucked the life out of this awful franchise. The only way the Raiders are ever going to get better is by bringing Buffy out of retirement, post haste. We've sort of forgotten about it, but Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't get enough credit for how hot she was in the late '90s, back when celebs got famous by revealing just enough, but not too much skin, as opposed to now where everyone has a sex tape.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars
Selection: Tim Riggins, fullback, Dillon Panthers
Analysis: The best part about this pick is value, since the Jags can probably get Riggo to sign for little more than 10 cases of beer and a VIP membership to the best strip club in town. Jacksonville is sort of an odd city. A lot of people aren't aware of this, but it's actually the largest city in the United States in terms of square miles. As Robert Earl Keen might say, the road goes on forever, but the party never ends. With all that open space, an athlete is going to drink away his loneliness, and what better player to lead your franchise than one who played at an elite level his entire high school career, despite being buzzed all the time? (Just try to keep him away from Fred Durst, River City native.) Plus, you know he'll endear himself to the fanbase, because this is a guy who hooked up with his best friend's girlfriend while his buddy was paralyzed in the hospital, and he still came off as a lovable rouge. Maurice Jones-Drew can't carry the load on his own, and as long as there are a few hot single moms in town (and lord knows a military town like Jacksonville is full of them), Riggins will pay off.
9. Green Bay Packers
Selection: The Human Torch, superhero
Analysis: Holy (bleeping) (bleep) is it cold in Green Bay during the winter. Instead of asking actual human beings to compete in sub-zero temperatures -- which Brett Favre was probably only really good at because he was used to being totally numb from the neck down thanks to painkillers -- it's about time the Packers simply drafted someone made out of fire to lead their team into the playoffs. You know this would be fun to see, if for no other reason than to read the fawning columns by Peter King about how Johnny Storm loves to cook brats and marshmallows under his armpits, get his teammates "fired up" with his kid-like enthusiasm for the game, and how his catch phrase, "Flame on!" is very manly and rugged. Did we mention he won't be bothered by the oppressive, scrape-ice-off-your-private-parts-in-the-morning temperatures?
10. San Francisco 49ers
Selection: The Dude and Walter Sobchak, bowlers, The Big Lebowski
Analysis: This franchise presents a unique challenge in that it could really use a laid back personality like The Dude to chill everyone out after a season where the head coach was literally dropping his pants in the locker room at halftime to describe how the other team was violating them. But it could also use a crazy person behind the scenes to take care of business, and screw people over by giving them a suitcase full of dirty underwear instead of money, the way Eddie Debartolo used to run things back when the 49ers were good. (You want a toe? He can get you a toe. With nail polish. There are ways.) Walter did not watch his buddies die face down in the mud in 'Nam just so that San Francisco could ruin Vernon Davis' once-promising career, so you know that will be dealt with immediately. There might even be a role for the Nihilists, considering that the NFL is basically socialism. (Say what you want about the tenets of it, but at least it's an ethos.)The main priority, though, would be to get a fricken quarterback, one that really ties the whole team together. But that's just, like, our opinion, man.