Ok, so maybe it didn't go down this way ... as far as we know. But it could have, right? In this week's installment of Imaginary Conversations, David Gregory and several special guests on NBC's Meet the Press discuss the Orioles' upcoming season.
David Gregory: Hello everyone, and welcome to a very special edition of NBC's Meet the Press. I'm your host, David Gregory, and much like Mark McGwire's career numbers, my hair has been artificially enhanced. Thanks for joining us today. Instead of the usually partisan bickering, we're going to take a break from politics, step outside one Beltway and inside another, and have a roundtable discussion about the 2009 Orioles campaign. We've invited a number of special guests from a variety of fields and professions, including former Oriole Rafael Palmeiro, so let's get right to it. New York Times columnist Frank Rich, why don't you lead us off: What was your take on the Orioles' 10-5 victory over the Yankees Monday?
Frank Rich: David, it seems pretty clear that George W. Bush was to blame for the Orioles decade of incompetence. Now that he's off living in a gated community outside Houston, the Orioles should have no problem returning to glory, much like the auto industry and newspapers. As I said last week, and the week before, and the week before that, President Obama can fix anything.
Gregory: Interesting. Governor Palin, your thoughts? Do you agree with the MacPhail Doctrine?
Sarah Palin: In what respect, David?
Gregory: Um, you know, the MacPhail Doctrine. Focusing on younger prospects, signing them to long-term deals, bringing players like Matt Wieters along slowly. Any Orioles that you expect big things from this year, Governor?
Palin: Oh, you know, all of them. You never know when the Steinbrenners are going to rear their head into Camden Yards airspace.
Bob Woodward: I actually know how to fix the Orioles. But you'll have to buy my book if you want to find out what I know.
Angelina Jolie: Can I just interject here, David? As a goodwill ambassador for the UN, I'd like to say that my favorite player is Melvin Mora. If he ever wants to have five more babies at once, he can totally call me.
Jennifer Aniston: Wow, what a surprise. Angelina Jolie is propositioning someone else's husband. Why are you even here, anyway? Shouldn't you be building water purifying plants in the Sudan or something? You wench!
Jolie: I'm interested in all kinds of global calamities. The Orioles qualify. Why are you here?
Aniston: Well, you horrible woman, if you must know, I'm promoting a movie. ... I got lost in the hallway, thought this was the set of the Today Show and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. But since I'm here, why don't I work you over the way hitters worked over Jim Palmer during his comeback tour?
Rafael Palmeiro: I have never. Wanted to see two women. Make out with one another. More than I do right now. Period.
Dick Cheney: David, sorry to interrupt the cat fight, but it is my belief that history will, in fact, greet Syd Thrift as a liberator. The franchise is safer now from clubhouse combatants like Albert Belle. Everyone is safer, really. I just spoke with Hannah Storm and that's pretty much confirmed. Let's just pray MacPhail hasn't been put in harm's way again. Also, if Luke Scott has any tips on gun safety, I'm all ears.
Gregory: Vice President Biden, care to respond to former Vice President Cheney's comments? Do you feel the O's are better off with Felix Pie potentially hitting .220 than they were a decade ago with a declining, volitile, but ultimately contained Albert Belle?
Joe Biden: David, I'm going to be honest for a second, I lost my train of thought when Ms. Aniston and Ms. Jolie were arguing. Man, those are a couple of good-looking broads. Now that is what I call a stimulus package. I know trains, and let me tell you, that Jen Aniston has a great caboose. When I was growing up in Scranton, rooting for the minor league team, baseball fans did not look like that. They were never as hot as that Pam from The Office, I might add. A few of them even had mustaches bigger than my friend Raffy there.
Palmeiro: I have never. Hooked up. With an ugly chick. From Scranton. Period.
Gregory: Folks, let's try to refocus the discussion here. Even if the Orioles manage to remain competitive this season, what are their long-term prospects? Can they really field a consistent winner when teams like Boston and New York are always going to have a financial advantage because they can pay the luxury tax? Timothy Geithner, what do you thinK?
Tim Geithner: David, I wonder if the Orioles would consider dumping all their remaining toxic assets, signing a ton of new players, and just "forget" to pay the luxury tax. It has been my experience that some taxes are more or less optional if you know the right people.
Robert Novak: I actually have a confidential source who told me the Orioles plan to trade for Alex Rodriguez any day now.
Karl Rove: David, I'm actually the source on Bob's story, and I have to admit, I made the whole thing up. Gammons and Novak were the only ones who took the bait. What the Orioles should do is spread rumors that the Red Sox and Yankees want to ban the national anthem.
Palin: Hey guys, how about this: What's the difference between A-Rod and a hockey mom? A-Rod wears a lighter shade of lipstick! Ha! Real Americans are hilarious!
James Carville: Here's what I would do if I's Peter Angelos: I'd find me an eloquent, Southern, whip-smart general manager with absolutely no morals what-so-eva and just turn 'em loose. And if he accidentally gets entangled with a fatty in a moment of weakness, say like Sidney Ponson, people will forgive 'em cause he's such a charismatic person.
Arianna Huffington: None of zis matters, my darling, as long as zee pitching stafv es horrible! Ven Adam Eaton es your vumber five starter, how can jou expect to compete? It es ludicrous! Nick Markakis and Brine Voberts should zoo my Greek friend Mr. Angelos for negligence! And if not, vey can at least blog about their disgust on my veb site, HuffingtonPost.com!
Gregory: Let's wrap this up. Frank Rich, the final word goes to you.
Rich: David, I know you've heard me say this before, but I blame Bush. He traded Sammy Sosa all those years ago and set in motion the events that led up to the Orioles' nadir.
Gregory: Angelina Jolie, care to follow up on that?
Jolie: Hey. Governor Palin. If you or ... anyone in your family ... has anymore babies, I'll happily raise them. Brad and I want to field an entire baseball team someday.
Palin: Like with the Bridge To Nowhere, and Mark Teixeira to the Orioles, I'm going to say 'Thanks, but No Thanks,' Angie.