Ok, so maybe it didn't go down this way ... as far as we know. But it could have, right? In this week's installment of Imaginary Conversations, Daniel Snyder looks to improve his football team by any means necessary.
Daniel Snyder: Mrs. Landingham! Gosh darn it, Mrs. Landingham! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, look at me ... I need attention! Pu-leeeaze!
Kathryn Joosten: (Sigh) Mr. Snyder ... how long do we have to keep this bit going? I mean, I appreciate the job and all, especially in this economy, but when can we stop pretending I'm really Delores Landingham from The West Wing? I have had more than 100 other roles you know. Most recently, I was the nosy neighbor on Desperate Housewives.
Snyder: Sorry, Mrs. Landingham, but whatever you said, I wasn't listening. I stopped paying attention to what other people say about 15 years ago. Saves time. Did I tell you I've been eating Skittles, snorting pixie sticks and doing jumping jacks all morning? I'm sooooo excited! I feel like a real grown up! I've finally figured out the way to fix my football team. Yippie! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! I AM SOOO smart! S-M-A-R-R-T! That's me!
Mrs. Landingham: (Sigh) Oh my. You're not thinking about bringing back Jeff George again, are you, sir?
Snyder: Mrs. Landingham, I've decided that it was silly to spend a bunch of money on Albert Haynesworth. He was neato a few weeks ago, but he is also fat, and I am already bored with him. I wasn't thinking broadly enough, Mrs. Landingham. What I need to do is go hunt around and sign someone to be the team's silent guardian; its watchful protector out there on the field. Mrs. Landingham, I'm going to sign the Dark Knight.
Mrs. Landingham: To appear at your birthday party, sir? Because we've already booked the kids from Harry Potter. Remember a month ago when you said you wanted to play Quidditch with jet packs? We paid NASA like $30 million dollars for them and convinced Daniel Radcliffe to cancel an appearance in that bizarro play where he shows off his Elder wand.
Snyder: Nevermind my birthday right now, Mrs. Landingham. No, I want him to play safety. Who is going to get past The Batman, huh? Answer me that! I'm brilliant, Mrs. Landingham! Brilliant! I can't believe Jerry Jones didn't think of this first!
Mrs. Landingham: Oh dear. Sir ... how do I put this ... Batman is a fictional character. He's not a real person whom you can sign to play for the Redskins. This is like when you tried to hire the girl from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to guard you from vampires when you sleep. It's not real. It's possible that the actor, Christian Bale, might be willing --
Snyder: GET ME THE DARK KNIGHT ON THE &*#$^ PHONE MRS. LANDINGHAM! I DON'T CARE IF IT COSTS $200 MILLION, I WANT THE ##%&@! DARK KNIGHT ON MY FOOTBALL TEAM!
Mrs. Landingham: (sigh) I'll do what I can, sir.
(Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring!)
Christian Bale: 'ello? Wut the bloody 'ell ... Which daft *#&$% git es calling me dis early en da &$@& morning? ... Are you *@#$-ing kidding me? Hello? Answer me, you @#$%@#&%!
Snyder: Hello, Batman? Is that you?
Bale: Is this some kind a sodding joke? I'm complete knackered. It's 4 a.m. in London, mate. What the #$^@* are you doing? Who the @#%@ is this?
Snyder: Oh, I get it. Hi Bruce Wayne! It's me, Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins. We're an American football team. OMG, I'm such a big fan, I'm really nervous right now! Deep breath, Danny. Deep breath! OK, I promise I won't reveal your secret identity to anyone, Mr. Wayne, but I really want to see if I can convince Batman to play free safety next year for us. I'm thinking a six-year contract for $115 million, with a $56 million signing bonus! What do you say?
Bale: For &#%# sake man! Ya gots to be off your face to be calling me with this barmy offer. I don't bloody appreciate this @##*%-ing malarky, man.
Snyder: Look, Batman, I know you're still a little upset about Rachel Dawes getting killed by the Joker, but you're hurting my feelings. I'm sure Wayne Enterprises is a very profitable business, but I think I've made a very competitive offer just now. I wanna see Batman bring the hammer! Now gimmie what I want, dang it! Or I swear to God, I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out!
Bale: Rachel Bleeping Dawes? You're a real stupid bloke, mate. If ya mean Mags Gyllenhaal, she's probably at that bloke Sarsgaard's house, running round wit-out any knickers on.
Snyder: (INHALE!) That's it! Not breathing again until you sign!
Bale: Oh for &@$# sake. Lemme say this slow so it gets through ya thick Yankee skull: I'm not &@%@# Batman. I'm a sodding actor, making Terminator: Salvation right now, an' even if I wasn't, I'm certainly not signing up with some bloody futbol team dat don't 'ave nuff decent sense to get rid of a logo that disrespects indigenous persons. This is bloody amateur! Now sod off and let me *#&$@ sleep!
Snyder: Mrs. Landingham? It seems The Batman is tied up with another project.
Mrs. Landingham: I'm sorry, sir.
Snyder: It's not fair! I hate everyone and everything! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! (Begins crying.)
Mrs. Landingham: Now now, let's get you some ice cream. And if you want, I could still see if Wolverine is available to play linebacker like you asked.
Snyder: (sniffle) Oh boy! You bet I would!
(Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring!)
Hugh Jackman: G'day mate. Who am I speaking with?