Obama's first 100 days... of sports

By Candus Thomson

Apr 29, 2009 2:00 AM

While everyone else in the journalism world is focused like a laser on President Obama’s performance during the first 100 days in office, Toy Department has run a back-door play to snag an exclusive copy of the First Fan’s speech about his first 144,000 minutes in the Oval Office. We’re sure its publication will surprise him, too.

My fellow sports fans, I’m pleased to be able to spend a few minutes with you this morning without the distraction of playoff hoops, fallout from the NFL draft and bets about who booed Mark Teixeira louder -- Orioles fans or Red Sox fans.

I was hoping to address you yesterday, on Day 99, so that “The One” could honor “The Great One,” Wayne Gretzky in some small way. But that was not to be. Dealing with the flu and a rogue Air Force One flying over New York detained me.

So 6 a.m. is the next best thing.

I want to outline for you the accomplishments of my sports administration. Now, let me be clear, we inherited a situation that was less than ideal. My predecessor rode a bike. He sometimes did it in dorky black socks and low-cut shoes, a Euro-trash fashion statement that could not stand. Karl Rove looked like a man who could have used a few sessions of “Sweating to the Oldies” and Dick Cheney thought waterboarding was an X Games event.

Clearly, the American people wanted change.

So after Jan. 20, we found ourselves responding on the fly. And that's how it should be. The American people expect their president to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. We rose to the challenge.

On Feb. 27, just a month into my term, I sat courtside to watch the Washington Wizards beat my hometown Chicago Bulls. I talked smack, drank a beer and had the smarts to leave before the blowout ended. What say you, Joe the Plumber?

My NCAA bracket was, to be honest, a bust. Except for picking the winner, North Carolina, I shot blanks in the three other Final Four slots. But at least I wasn’t Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, who called me out and suggested I stick with the economy and leave hoops to the experts. Well, we know how that turned out, don't we?

As I recall, the Blue Devils had their doors blown off in the Eastern Regionals by Villanova, 77-54.

To Coach K, I say, "Better luck next year and stay away from Guitar Hero, pal."

Now I admit that I turned down the opportunity to throw out the first pitch for the Nationals home opener. I thought it would be more fitting for my hero and favorite Racing President, Abe Lincoln, to do the honors. And let me point out that I did not play favorites by sneaking out to Chicago for Opening Day, either.

Just this week, I played a round of golf and took on UConn Huskies players Tina Charles, Maya Moore and Renee Montgomery in a game of P-I-G. When it comes to my golf score, transparency is for plastic wrap. But let the record show I beat the nation's best women and missed just one out of five shots.

Then, just last night, the Washington Capitals put the gagging N.Y. Rangers out of their misery to advance in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Get your red on!

For a new sports administration, these are good first steps. But there are many more challenges ahead. The Orioles need pitching. Teixeira needs a batting average. Jay Cutler needs a personality. The Nationals need a prayer.

We need to get Dan Snyder out of football and Peter Angelos out of baseball. We need more cartoon Orioles in the newspaper and fewer Orioles cartoons on the TV highlights shows.

Together, America, we can do it.

Let me end with a promise. You will never see this president prancing in the snow in a running suit. Or walking on the beach in a business suit. Or running from an attractive woman with a sexual harassment suit.

Good day and may God Bless America.

Photos: Associated Press

Obama's first 100 days... of sports

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