What if we viewed every franchise the way Julian Tavarez does?

Statistically, Julian Tavarez hasn't had the greatest career. But last week when he reluctantly agreed to sign with the Washington Nationals (the only MLB team to make him a real offer this spring), he uttered what will probably go down as one of the greatest sports quotes of all time.

"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavarez told a group of reporters. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals [are] Jennifer Lopez to me."


You have to love that kind of brutal honesty. But it got us thinking: What if we viewed every franchise the way Tavarez does: As the equivalent of a bar-time hook-up?

What would the Red Sox look like? Or the Washington Redskins? Or even the Baltimore Orioles?

The possibilities are as magical as they are skanky.

Franchise: The Dallas Cowboys

At the bar, they are: The silicone-injected (not-so) young lady trying to seem more "Texas" by sipping Bud Light out of a bottle while all of her friends are downing pink drinks. Desperate for your attention, but doesn't want to show it, mostly because she won a few beauty pageants back in the '90s, but can't seem to realize that was almost 10 years ago. She might still be kind of cute if you could ever shake the mental image of her together with some of the morons who used to hang around her. Thinks of herself as America's sweetheart, but hang around her long enough and you're probably going to end up either in jail, or in a doctor's office.

Think: Pamela Anderson

Franchise: Cleveland Browns

At the bar, they are: The All-American cougar who would be totally fun to hang out with if she weren't still obsessed with the way her fairy tale marriage deteriorated. Even though she's reinvented herself like five times since the split and he moved to another city, she can't help but make snide comments about him and how she's sooooo over it, and totally doesn't care if he's happier now. Everyone in the bar is rooting for her to find true love, because she's been hanging around forever. But deep down, people are starting to suspect that it's her own fault she's not happy. Wholesome on the surface, but totally neurotic in private.

Think: Jennifer Aniston

Franchise: Washington Redskins

At the bar, they are: The dumb blonde whose answer to everything is to either throw a fit, or throw money at the problem. No one seems to know why she has enough money to do whatever she wants, just that it doesn't seem to be working in terms of personal fulfillment. Has a fairly high opinion of herself, for reasons unclear to everyone around her. Sometimes accused of racial insensitivity. The media seems to be in love with her, even though her resume of actual accomplishments is extremely thin. Would probably be fun to hang out with for a few days, but the kind of girl who would totally cut you loose to chase the latest fad, even though by the time she gets there, the fad is already on its way out of style.

Think: Paris Hilton

Franchise: Detroit Lions

At the bar, they are: The girl passed out in the booth in back who has clearly seen better days. Looks like she's been smoking cigarettes two at a time and guzzling whiskey with no chaser for the past 10 years, which is a fairly accurate breakdown of how she got to where she is now. Currently a whirlpool of despair that is difficult to escape from, but even in her better days, she managed to help ruin the career of talented people around her. Would be funnier if she wasn't so tragic.

Think: Courtney Love

Franchise: Boston Red Sox

At the bar, they are: The wicked smart girl in glasses who is doing shots, dancing on tables and acting way too loud. Rumor is she was all emo in high school and college, moping about how she'd be a bridesmaid for the rest of her life, but now she's totally blossomed and pretty hot. She has some scars from her past, but it's all good. They've pretty much faded. Truth be told, it was hilarious the first time she got a little wasted and belted out "Sweet Caroline" but now ... not so much. Also, does she have to remind us all the time how smart she is?

Think: Tina Fey (post 2004)

Franchise: New York Yankees

At the bar, they are: Admittedly pretty and elegant woman who is sipping wine and looking around the bar wondering if there isn't someone more important she should be talking to. Arrogant enough that she doesn't quite realize she was at her peak six years ago. Doesn't have to tell you she's better than you because she assumes you already know. Would love it if you didn't bring up all the jokers she used to date before she decided she was classy. Probably wears a gold thong when no one is looking.


Think: Gwyneth Paltrow

What if we viewed every franchise the way Julian Tavarez does?

Franchise: Baltimore Orioles

At the bar, they are: The husky blonde in a $5,000 dress who is slamming Natty Bohs and making it hard for even her closest friends to defend the way she's let herself go. Sure, she was a babe once, and we'll never forget the good times, but mercy, that was a long time ago. Maybe you can squint and pretend that's Reese Witherspoon, assuming you're drinking doubles, but it sure would be nicer to have hooked up with her about 10 years ago.

Think: Jennifer Coolidge

Franchise: Pittsburgh Steelers

At the bar, they are: The brunette who looks skinny tonight, but the more you think about it, wasn't she just in here last month wolfing down a Primanti Bros. sandwich with a large order of fries stuffed in between the bread? Yikes. Is the kind of gal who would probably go on television and brag about how good she looks now, and then pound a case of Rolling Rock and a bucket of chicken wings when no one was looking.

Think: Kirstie Alley

Franchise: Baltimore Ravens

At the bar, they are: The girl on the dance floor who is waving her arms and shaking her caboose. True, she's probably doing it because she loves the attention, but you have to admit, she's also pretty talented. Has worked hard to make people forget her Southern roots. Hated on by a lot of people when she was at her hottest in 2000, but either way, people were forced to pay attention. Hit a real rough patch for a few years when she struggled to get out of a bad relationship, but now isn't looking half bad again, something that almost no one expected. Probably lucky she didn't end up in prison at some point, but that's all in the past, right?

Think: Britney Spears