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Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

In a warehouse corner office, overlooking Camden Yards... 

Peter Angelos: MacPhailure! In my office! Now!

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Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

Andy MacPhail: Mr. Angelos, you know I don't appreciate it when you call me that.

Angelos: There is no time for backtalk, MacPhailure. Time is of the essence! Some gentlemen that I regularly lunch with have informed me that spring training is fast approaching, and as I look over my personal planner under Offseason Goals, I have two things underlined: 1. Crush Nestor Aparicio 2. Sign Mark Teixeira ... How are we doing on the latter, MacPhailure? I want to make certain I'm out of town when we hold the press conference to announce his arrival!

Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

MacPhail: Um, sir, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but ... we were unable to sign Mark. We put together a competitive offer within our budget. And as you requested, we made certain to point out that we were the only club offering Berger cookies, aquarium tickets and a slightly used complete set of Homicide: Life on the Street DVDs in our package. But in the end, he decided to go in a different direction.

Angelos: He decided to play in Japan, eh? Damn the declining American dollar! (Slams fist on desk.) I can't believe anyone would want to play there after seeing Lost in Translation. Do you think Teixeira has seen it? We should have sent him a copy. Nothing happens the entire film, MacPhailsalot! It's just a bunch of talking and bad karaoke! Total foolishness. The groundskeeper from Caddyshack doesn't even get laid! If I didn't have better things to do, I'd throw together a class action lawsuit and put Focus Features out of business.

Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

MacPhail: Um ... sir, Mark didn't go to Japan. He signed a multi-year deal with the Yankees.

Angelos: He what? That is unacceptable! Get him on the phone, this instant!

Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

MacPhail: Mr. Angelos, I'm sorry, but you really can't do that. There are rules about tampering, and you of all people obviously understand that it would violate a number of legal clauses put in place to discourage this kind of thing. I believe you actually negotiated a few of ...

Angelos: That's enough, MacPhailing! I'll handle this myself. Pretty secretary lady! Get me Mark Teixeira on the phone, post haste.

Imaginary Conversations: Peter Angelos woos Mark Teixeira a little late

Maggie Gyllenhaal: Right away, Mr. Angelos.

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(Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring!)

Mark Teixeira: Yo, Tex in the house! Who's bumping me on the cell?

Angelos: Mark ... it's me, Peter Angelos. Look, let me get right to the point. What's it going to take to get you to sign with the Orioles? Discounted infield tickets to the Preakness? I can make that happen. Lunch with Speaker Pelosi? Within my reach, son. I can't promise everything, but do not underestimate my influence in this town. We're going to make you a hero, my boy. You'll be the new Cal! I'll even have one of those fancy cabs pick you up at the airport, and we can split the tip. Just throw a number at me in terms of salary. No agent fancy talk here, Mark, just mano-a-mano. What say you?

Teixeira: Um ... Mr. Angelos, all due respect, but I've already signed with the Yankees. I'm actually in a Manhattan restaurant right now with A-Rod and his date, who ... oddly enough  appears to have bigger biceps than I do. But, seriously, why are you calling me? I signed an eight-year contract for $180 million, like, three months ago. I'm a Yankee. Don Mattingly was my boyhood idol. The implication that I should sign with Baltimore at a discount because of some bizarro civic pride that should translate into helping you prop up your poorly-managed business always struck me as crazy talk.

Angelos: Mark ... I like you, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm willing to offer $50 million over the next six seasons, free gloves for the Mount St. Joseph baseball team, and a nonspeaking part as an extra in the next David Simon project. But that's my final offer, son.

Teixeira: (Silence)

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Angelos: Be straight with me, Mark. Your wife won't let you sign here, will she?

Teixeira: The humidity really messes up her hair, Mr. Angelos. And to be honest, I can't convince her that you're not actually The Greek from Season 2 of The Wire.

Angelos: Nonsense, son. I am far better looking than that scoundrel. And he wasn't even Greek, if you recall. But I do agree that Frank Sobatka had to go. Business, Mark. Always business.

Teixeira: Mostly though, sir, I just don't want to be part of a rebuilding project at this stage of my career. You guys have some decent pieces in place, but I think we actually had a better pitching staff than you do when I played at Mount St. Joe's. I'm sorry, Mr. Angelos.

Angelos: I understand, son. No hard feelings. Now, I'm wondering if you have Kevin Millar's phone number. I'm told he is a suitable fallback option because despite his declining statistical markers, the fans love his scrappy leadership and hilarious clubhouse antics.

Teixeira: I think I'm going to hang up now, Mr. Angelos. A-Rod is my ride home, and he's been missing for like 15 minutes. Cripes, I hope he's not kissing the bathroom mirror again.

(Click)

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