On tonight's Idol, it's all about San Francisco auditions.

The first auditioner is is Tatiana del Toro, who is "a full-time singer, a musician, a songwriter, a writer, an assistant director, model, film actor, and I live for what I do." She left out chronic giggler. And random-tulle-to-minidress-hem-sewer. She enters the audition room and gives them her press kit. They say she has some "naughty" pictures in there, and she says, "thank you." She sings "Never Loved a Man." Simon stops her and says she shouldn't have done that song and that he thinks she does a lot of things well but not this. He tries to give her some constructive criticism, but she keeps singing. Paula interrupts her to vote yes. Randy says she wants to have this big R&B voice, but she doesn't quite have it. He votes yes anyway. Kara says she doesn't have the vocals, but she likes her vibe, so she is in. Simon: "She didn't get through on her vocals!" Oh, OK, Mr. Voted for Bikini Girl.

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Dean-Anthony Bradford is a "failed entrepreneur" wearing an insane plaid coat. He thinks the coat will get him through. He offers a very theatrical version of Simply Red, and it looks like his head is going to explode. Randy calls it "wild" but also "over-the-top torture." Simon says he has a horrible outfit and "hair color," which is his natural color. Ouch. It was a unanimous no. Talking to Ryan, he blames the coat for the outcome.

Jesus Valenzuela is a family man whose kids told him to audition. He sings ... I don't know what, but it's boring. Paula and Kara say he has a good voice, and he begs for yes votes because his kids are outside, so they ask him to bring them in. Randy asks him to sing a different song, so he tries "Unchained Melody." Simon sticks to his no, Paula says yes, Kara says yes, and then they say he needs one more vote (which doesn't track with what they said last week when sometimes it only took two yes votes to get to the next round), and Randy votes yes, so he is through. To Hollywood yes, but I don't think he'll get a lot further than that.

Dalton Powell shows off his Rubik's Cube skills to Ryan (we've seen better on Beauty and the Geek), who says he might want to work on his energy before his audition. He says that's not who he is. He sings with his eyes closed and yet fluttering in a bad falsetto, leading Kara to ask, "Have you ever sung?" He says, "Not in front of people, no." Speaking of no, he's out.

Montage of Kara and Simon fighting, which sounds remarkably like Paula and Simon fighting.

Akilah Askew-Gholston (pictured) has a bunch of printouts from the Internet about the anatomy of singing and how to prepare. People sitting around her laugh as she mispronounces larynx and trachea. She says, "Hello, Simon," to Randy. She tells the judges she is carrying original songs she has written, one of which she sings. She then sings a little Aretha instead but stops herself when she hits a horrible note, but then she starts spouting more anotomical terms ("If you look at the diagrams, you will see we have to sing from our genital cartilages") and freaks them out. Akilah tries to tell them that she is just really worked up because she is meeting famous people, which she follows by trying to compliment them all and ending up saying all the wrong things ("Paula had a hit song back in the 80s when I was a child." "Randy was one of the best producers.") Paula comes around and gives her a hug for some reason and tries to lead her out, but Akilah keeps talking and Paula walks out. Kara hugs her and gets her to leave. Oh, goodness, the delusions: "They made me feel like one of those 'auditioners' who can't sing."

All right, it is 45 minutes into this single hour of Idol, and we have seen five people. Five! Two of whom made it to Hollywood for no discernible reason. This last 15 minutes better be great is all I'm saying.

Instead, we see a montage of people getting golden tickets and literally five seconds of three people singing and getting on through.

Annie Murdoch is next. They ask her what she's going to sing, and she seems indecisive, a fabulous quality in an audition. She's loud, but not good. Simon says it was like she was drunk. It's a no. Another boring no.

Adam Lambert says he's been singing since he was 10, mostly doing musical theater. He sings "Bohemian Rhapsody," a rather theatrical choice and thus not that surprising. Indeed, Simon stops him and calls him theatrical, which leads to some back and forth about whether that means he is a good singer. Randy says he is a good singer and votes yes, Simon says yes, too, which annoys Kara, who votes yes, so he is through. After he leaves, Paula says he's the best they've seen in any city (ummm, what?)  and throws her pen.

Last of the day is Kai Kalama, who is also serving as heartwarming audition of the episode. He is 26 and plays music at night after taking care of his mom, who has a seizure disorder, during the day. He sings "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." Simon says he has a very good voice, but "the personality of a ship singer." Kara tells him he needs to work on his performance and personality to make it past Hollywood. But he gets four yes votes and gets to go to the next round.

Ryan narrates that 12 people made it to Hollywood, which isn't very many. If this was the best (and the worst) of SF, it wasn't very successful. This was a pretty boring episode all together. Even the gimmicky and bad people were lame. A plaid coat! An anatomical diagram! A Rubik's Cube! What do you think?

Photo: Paula Abdul with San Francisco Auditioner Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26. Oakland, CA. Photo by Michael Becker / FOX.
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