Short imagined monologues: Tim Riggins addresses Derek Jeter

Today, with a nod to the geniuses at McSweeneys, Friday Night Lights character Tim Riggins, fullback for the Dylan Panthers, tells Yankee captain Derek Jeter to back away from his girl, Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly), in an installment of Short Imagined Monologues.

Derek, bro ... how are ya? Hey put down the moisterizer for a sec. Let's have a chat.


(Extends hand.)

Tim Riggins, fullback, Dillon Panthers. Saw you the other night on TV. Can I just say, bro, you look really manly in those skin tight pinstripes. It was sooo tender the way A-Rod caressed your neck after your little speech. I'm rooting for you two kids to make it, I really am.

Have to say though, bro, I was kind of surprised to see you with your arm around my girl, Lyla.

It's weird that a guy who looks like a muppet could have so much success with the ladies. To be honest, I'm proud of you, Deej. Mariah Carey before she went crazy is a quality score, bro.

Personally, I wouldn't listen to the crap she puts on records just to feign interest, but maybe that's the biggest difference between you and I.

Also, I don't throw like a girl.

Jessica Biel ... Scarlett Johansson ... Jessica Alba ... all that I can respect, D. I'm not sure it's on par with hooking up with the hottie single mom next door, then serving as the surrogate dad to her adorable son, Bo. But maybe I'm wrong. You probably have more time to do that kind of thing now that your team missed the playoffs, bro.

(Spills beer on his shirt.) 

It's a real shame, though, to see a good Christian girl like Lyla hanging out with someone who can't even field his position anymore. Are you really going to show up at her cheerleading competitions, bro? Are you going to have the time to hang out with Mr. Garrity, and drive him home after he drinks to much at the pre-game booster BBQ? I'm skeptical, bro. Real skeptical.  

Way I see things, If I can steal her away from my crippled best friend, I like my chances at being able to steal her back from you. Clear eyes, full hearts can't lose, right? Isn't that what Coach Taylor is always saying?

You see, like it or not, bro, she and I have the whole Texas Forever thing going on. Here's to God, and football, living large with good friends in Texas. And to beating the crap out of losers like Mike Mussina! When is that guy ever going to win 20 games, bro? He's about half as smart as Saracen and twice as girly.

Now, I'm going to need to ask you to tell Michael Kay and Suzyn Waldman to shut the hell up because I'm extremely hung over right now, and my head is killing me, but once I sleep this off, you're entering a world of pain.

Oh, and tell Giambi I said the pornstache is clutch. 

PHOTOS: Riggins (NBC promotional material); Jeter/Minka Kelly (The Big Lead)