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“Ridiculous.”
“Hogwash.”

No, these aren’t two of the worst strippers to ever climb a pole. Roger Clemens used these words during tonight’s 60 Minutes interview to describe allegations by former trainer Brian McNamee that he used steroids and hGH.

“You’d think I’d get an inch of respect,” he said.

Clemens vehemently denied McNamee’s accusations and wondered where he supposedly received the drugs.

“Where’s the person who gave them to me?” he asked. “Please step forward.”

Clemens attempted to prove his innocence by pointing out that his body never changed. If McNamee really did inject him with the drugs for that many years, “I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead and I should be pulling tractors with my teeth,” he said.

Clemens also pointed out that he won a Cy Young one year before McNamee claims that he started injecting the pitcher, and three years after he allegedly stopped.

“Why didn’t I break down?” Clemens asked. “Why didn’t my tendons turn to dust?”

I keep waiting for Mike Wallace to turn to dust, but I digress.

Clemens expressed outraged that McNamee had the nerve to e-mail him with a favor two days before the Mitchell Report was released, asking where to find the best fishing equipment for an upcoming trip, but never warned him about the accusations. Clemens also said he would have cooperated with the investigation if he had known what was coming.

He didn’t give a definitive answer when Wallace asked whether he’d submit to a lie detector test. “I don’t know if they’re good or bad,” he said.

Wallace asked if passing a test would prove his innocence. “I don’t know,” Clemens replied. “Would it?”

Also, Clemens said he’s “probably” retired, but we all know it’s way too early for him to make a declaration.

Be sure to watch next week when Stubby Clapp insists that he never used pine tar.

 

 

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