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The secret is out: This fashion show stunk

Guest blogger John-John Williams IV reports:

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was one big letdown after another.

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The show tried to pack in as much information as possible into one hour. Somehow, the producers were able to squeeze in: video biographies of all of their top models; a nationwide America's Next Top Model-inspired contest to find a new runway model; a sappy love story involving Heidi Klum and her husband Seal; and a "special appearance" by the Spice Girls.

Let's start with the trite model biographies. Give me a break. (Most of the stories sounded the same: "I didn't think I was pretty growing up. The Victoria's Secret fashion show changed my life…) Try not to laugh too much!

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The nationwide model search segment crammed the equivalent of an entire season of America's Next Top Model into a five-minute – I'm being generous – spot. I still can't remember the name of the woman who won that contest. There was absolutely no connection established between the contestants and the audience. Most of the memorable characters on reality television have a back story where they have overcome some sort of adversity. Not the case in world of Victoria's Secret…

The momentum was building when will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas performed "I Got It from My Mama."  It was upbeat, pop-sounding, and the models were able to bounce all the way down the runway. It was the perfect song for a Victoria's Secret fashion show. The choppy, rushed style of the show didn't help keep that momentum going…

I know that the show's producers were trying to give the audience a behind-the-scenes feel when they aired the headset chatter of the fashion show's directors, but it didn't work. A lot of the chatter was inaudible and didn't really do anything to help move the show along. A good commentator would have been sufficient. (I guess a commentator wouldn't work because he/she would probably get tired of saying: "This is yet another model wearing underwear dipped in sequins." Seriously, how many times can you say that?)

While I'm talking about outfits, I was not impressed with the latest designs by Victoria's Secret. Much of the underwear looked cheap. With all the head dresses, capes, LEG WARMERS!!!, and angel wings (I swear one pair of wings looked like a preschool paper mache project gone awry), I thought I was at a bad drag show.

The models weren't the only fashion disasters. Seal was probably the worst. He looked like he was channeling Liberace, and Michael Jackson's outfit from the "Rock With You" video.

The show also featured a duet with Seal and Heidi Klum. (You read correctly. Heidi "belted" out some notes!) It was so slow, boring, and bad  that I wish Nina Garcia, Tim Gunn, and the other Project Runway clan were there to send the couple packing.

The show provided a few funny moments…

The camera panned in on Neil Patrick Harris eyeballing the heck out of the models. Didn't he come out in People Magazine?

The funniest thing was the Spice Girls' performance. It appeared to be lip synched! It was also very blah and non-memorable. They were dressed in 1930s/40s-inspired outfits. (I thought I heard Cavalli was designing their outfits for their reunion tour?) Mel B's outfit was particularly unflattering for her figure. And Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham) looked pouty as usual.

Victoria's Secret elite model Selita Ebanks wore the famed $1 million bra this year. It didn't look like it costs a $1 million. I wonder how they clean a diamond-encrusted bra? Do they dry clean it? Not sure.

Maybe that’s the only secret that Victoria can hold onto, because the other secret is out: This was not a great show.

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