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'American Idol': The humiliation continues

And now, the second night of hellacious American Idol auditions continues, this time from Seattle. Hey, guess what? It rained there. (But seriously, it doesn't always. Just some extra knowledge from a Texan/Northwesterner.)

Brandon Groves came dressed as Uncle Sam (he tried out last season singing "I Shot the Sheriff" in his sheriff's uniform. He, most literally, sings "God Bless America." OK, he butchers it.

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Jennifer Chapton, "also known as The Hotness." No comment. She starts with a wad of gum, not a good sign. She won't stop. And she talks back to Simon in the worst, most ridiculous way. Then she really won't stop singing. On her way out the door, she says, "He has no taste, he probably listens to that back-country Englishman sheep stuff." I have no idea.

Stay-at-home mom Amy Salgado has a sob story about her husband not supporting the idea of her trying out. She takes a stab at "Reflections" by Christina Aguilera, saying that she was bad because of her cold. Randy says she's tone deaf, and she wants to try again. She starts singing over Randy's "no" and Simon finally yells "NO" at her.

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Montage of badness.

Darwin Reedy, aka Misha, from Houston, claims she has a sexy look. No comment again. She tells the judges she has written a novella about a singing competition. She says she's going to sing "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls, but they have her bring in her mother, and it's just a nightmare of awkward. That's even before the singing starts, but when it does, it gets worse. WAY worse. When she gets to the chorus ("Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?") I have to pause because it's just horrifying. This girl clearly has no self-awareness of what is actually happening in this situation, and I can not take it. My husband breaks the silence by deadpanning the line in the most emotionless, tone-deaf way imaginable. OK, for that, this might be manageable. Simon says it's appalling. They say they understand, that she's nervous, and that they still love Idol.

Tears are compared to rain, as "Blame It on the Rain" plays. Scary.

Thomas Daniels, a gas attendant from Troutdale, Oregon, plans to make it to the top without working his way there. (He didn't use those words, but that's what he means.) He tells the judges it's his third audition and launches into Amos Lee's "Arms of a Woman." Paula loves it, and Randy and Simon agree, too. He is through! His family hands Ryan the tiny chihuahua so they can hug him.

Melissa Carleen Stavros of Snohomish, Wash., also has her dog with her. She sings Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" and is kind of all over the place. She says afterward that she got shaky and "sounded like a goat." That is about the best attitude and self-awareness we've seen so far this season.

Blake Lewis says he is the "champion here" of beatboxing, so Randy says he has to show it off. He does, and it isn't bad.  He sings "Crazy" by Seal, and it's OK. Simon says he's good, but maybe not as as good as he thinks it is. Paula loves him, Simon says she's easily pleased, but that he is good enough to go through to the next round. Randy agrees, and he's through. His dad cries for him.

And then it gets scary.

David Mills sings "Lean on Me" like someone has a gun to his head. "Oh, man, dude," Randy says.

Brother and sister Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar are up next. Shyamali sings "Summertime," and it's lovely even though she is nervous. Simon doesn't think her voice is unusual at all. Randy and Paula say yes, so she is through. Sanjaya goes in, and Paula asks him to sing some Stevie Wonder since his application says he is a fan. "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" means he's through, too. Simon says she has the stage presence, and he has the voice. So, sibling rivalry, here we come. They're both through.

Nick Zitzmann, a software engineer, is an uber-geek and wants to sing "Unchained Melody." He says his coworkers encouraged him to come to the audition because of some instrumental demos of his that they'd heard. He has a scary, thousand-yard stare. And a scarier voice. And they let him sing and sing and sing and sing. "Was that not good enough?" Nick asks. "It was almost non-human," Simon says. "Out of tune, bad tone, unpleasant, none of the things you want singing to be," Randy says.

The last contestant of the day (and supposedly the day that Simon called the worst day of auditions ever) Rudy Cardenas says he is going to get a golden ticket. He sings "Open Arms," and hey, turns out he can sing. Miracle. Simon interrupts him and says it's a no. Paula says it's a yes. Randy says yes, too, so he is through. "It was tough, though," he says, "Simon's over it; he's had a bad day." Hah!

Seven got through on day one.

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Day two, there are two guys who made friends in line. Kenneth Briggs says he dances and sings and has been compared to Justin Timberlake. He sings "Tearin' Up My Heart," complete with all the Backstreet Boys' moves. I think it's cruel that they let him get this far. Simon says he looks like "one of those creatures that lives in the jungles with the giant eyes." Paula and Randy say he's an awesome person, but not getting through. Jonathan Jayne is up next, and Kenneth tells him to try his hardest. He sings "God Bless America" with enough vibrato for about seven other people. Paula says his spirit and his personality were great, but he isn't right for the competition. Simon says he's a great person, but that this is not his career path.

Montage of badness.

Eric Chapman, a Taylor Hicks wannabe, is a hairstylist who says he gets into a trance when he cuts hair. His bio caption says "Age: 28???" Simon asks Eric if he is drunk. He gets a no, and he was going to try to fix Simon's hair (because of course, he's carrying around pomade), and the bodyguards swarm.

Anna Kearns, a 6-foot-4 waitress from Texas, makes Ryan look positively Lilliputian. She sings "Respect." Simon doesn't look too impressed and says, "That was loud." He says she was interesting, very cabaret, over the top ... Paula and Randy start growling at him ... he refuses to talk after being interrupted, but she gets two yeses.

Jordan Sparks, who is 16 but doesn't look it, sings "Because You Love Me" by Celine Dion and burns it down. (That's a good thing.) Paula loves her, Randy's blown away. Out of nowhere, Paula asks who her dad is. He's Phillippi Sparks, a corner for the Giants. Simon says it was too cutesy and over the top and sugary, but that he liked it but wanted to give some constructive criticism. Randy says she's a natural and great.

Only seven more got through.

Next is a montage of bad auditioners singing "Dontcha." Was this a requirement? Oy.

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Steven Thoen of Superior, Wisconsin, is next. He says people just call him "Red." For the hair. He says he does a little "care-oki" now and then. He also says he will make it because he can hit the high notes. This is not typically a good sign. He says he is as good as Freddie Mercury and launches into "Bohemian Rhapsody" in a high pitch and hitting literally zero notes.  The judges are literally laughing uncontrollably. Paula even snorts. He says he can even do country. This doesn't help. Simon says it was "like a 1-year-old" and Steven says, "That was harsh!" No, he hasn't seen the show much before. It's a no.

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Next week, it's Memphis.  And four more hours of this mess.

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