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'The Biggest Loser' Gets Its First Female Winner

The live finales for "The Biggest Loser" are kind of bizarre, as it's basically two hours of people stepping on and off scales. They could easily do this in an hour (or less), but they choose not to. Still, it's great to see how people look and how they've been doing.

First order of business: who did America vote for? Apparently, America prefers a cocky, bullying good-old-boy jock to a snippy-then-weepy New Englander -- Roger will compete in the finals. Roger looks like he's shed an entire person, and I can't imagine how either Ali or Kelly could compete with that, unless they cut off a limb right before getting on the scale.

The Eliminated

I love seeing everybody come back on stage, all dressed up and looking fine. They all look substantially healthier. Standouts:

* Mallory, Jackie and Amanda could easily compete on MILF Island -- they look incredible.

* Neill and Dan both seem to be sporting some variation on the Fauxhawk, making my eyes nearly roll out of their sockets. Besides the hair, they're looking good.

* Bette Sue gets a huge round of applause -she's still sassy and fabulous. I loved her.

* Mark and Jay both look sharp -- and skinny -- in their spiffy suits.

* Bernie looks fantastic, and gets the biggest round of applause. Yay, Bernie!

* Holy crap, Brittany is SMOKIN'. Seriously, the girl always looked amazing, but now she looks like a pin-up girl. Wow. I'm surprised people weren't throwing underwear on the stage.

Curtis takes an early lead (he's lost the equivalent of a healthy female adult) and holds onto it for a long, long time. Not bad for someone who got booted off in week 2. Then Dan hits the scale and dethrones Curtis -- curses. I loved Curtis, and Dan bugs the crap out of me.

But Dan doesn't hold the top spot long -- Bernie, the people's hero and my Biggest Loser boyfriend, knocks him off podium, Go Bernie! Then it's a tense wait as the final three weigh in. Brittany, while smoking hot, doesn't pose a threat, but Mark and Jay both look dangerous. Jay doesn't make it, and Mark misses dethroning Bernie by only two pounds. Wow.

The Stats

* Lynn: Starting weight: 409 pounds. Final weight: 329 pound. Weight lost: 80 pounds. Percentage lost: 19.56%.

* Jenni: Starting weight: 267 pounds. Final weight: 213 pounds. Weight lost: 54 pounds. Percentage lost: 20.22%.

* Jenn: Starting weight: 254 pounds. Final weight: 190 pounds. Weight lost: 64 pounds. Percentage lost: 25.20%.

* Brittany: Starting weight: 221 pounds. Final weight: 164 pounds. Weight lost: 57 pounds. Percentage lost: 25.79%.

* Neill: Starting weight: 317 pounds. Final weight: 229 pound. Weight lost: 88 pounds. Percentage lost: 27.76%

* Bette Sue: Starting weight: 261 pounds. Final weight: 186 pound. Weight lost: 75 pounds. Percentage lost: 28.74%.

* Maggie: Starting weight: 239 pounds. Final weight: 169 pound. Weight lost: 70 pounds. Percentage lost: 29.29%.

* Mallory: Starting weight: 217 pounds. Final weight: 152 pound. Weight lost: 65 pounds. Percentage lost: 29.95%.

* Trent: Starting weight: 436 pounds. Final weight: 301 pound. Weight lost: 135 pounds. Percentage lost: 30.96%.

* Amanda: Starting weight: 204 pounds. Final weight: 140 pound. Weight lost: 64 pounds. Percentage lost: 31.37%.

* Jay: Starting weight: 293 pounds. Final weight: 190 pound. Weight lost: 103 pounds. Percentage lost: 35.15%.

* Jackie: Starting weight: 246 pounds. Final weight: 157 pound. Weight lost: 89 pounds. Percentage lost: 36.18%.

* Curtis: Starting weight: 381 pounds. Final weight: 231 pound. Weight lost: 150 pounds. Percentage lost: 39.37%.

* Dan: Starting weight: 310 pounds. Final weight: 174 pound. Weight lost: 136 pounds. Percentage lost: 43.87%.

* Mark: Starting weight: 285 pounds. Final weight: 156 pound. Weight lost: 80 pounds. Percentage lost: 45.26%.

* Bernie: Starting weight: 283 pounds. Final weight: 153 pound. Weight lost: 130 pounds. Percentage lost: 45.96%.

The Final Three

The producers try to ratchet up the tension with the final three -- we get a "failure montage" where all three talk about problems and setbacks. Ali confesses to late-night FroYo snacking, while Roger talks about his frustrations at reaching a plateau as soon as he left campus. Kelly has the worst hard-luck tale -- she had nasty back pains and was diagnosed with a herniated disk. Her doctor warns her that aggravating it -- by, say, exercising like a maniac -- could lead to nerve damage. "Kelly, nothing is that important," he says. "Have you watched the show?" Kelly replies. I'm with the doc -- even if it is a competition, you shouldn't gamble with nerve damage.

We've already seen Roger, who looks incredibly fit. Now we see Kelly and Ali, and oh my god, both of these women really stepped up. Kelly looks incredible, completely svelte and sweet. She's a different person. And Ali? Ali may be a size two or four now. She's TINY -- and her arms are cut. There can't be an ounce of fat on the girl.

Roger goes first, and puts up an insane number. Kelly does a great job, but can't match it. It's up to Ali -- who loses almost half of her body weight. Holy crap! Ali wins it! We have a female Biggest Loser!

The Stats

* Kelly: Starting weight: 271 pounds. Final weight: 162 pound. Weight lost: 109 pounds. Percentage lost: 40.22%.

* Roger: Starting weight: 363 pounds. Final weight: 199 pound. Weight lost: 164 pounds. Percentage lost: 45.18%.

* Ali: Starting weight: 234 pounds. Final weight: 122 pound. Weight lost: 112 pounds. Percentage lost: 47.86%.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

* Paul is noticeably absent -- Alison says he's ill in Florida. Hmm -- I wonder what's wrong with him?

* Alison does some human-interest reporting, asking competitors about the changes they went through. To Mark: "You big crybaby!" Mark: "That's a cheap shot." Alison: "Like you didn't send me a few." It's true, he did.

* Curtis reveals that in order to qualify for health insurance, he needs to weight at most 238 pounds. That seems really low to me. What kind of insurance plan is he on?

* Bette Sue talks about how proud she is of Ali: "It's worth all the humiliation I had to go through." Heh.

* For the weigh-in, Bernie has a mini berndana tied around his forearm. Hee! Plus, he manages to look like he's mocking himself when he flexes his muscles in response to Alison's cry of "look at those gun you got there, Bernie!"

* When Bernie realizes he'll be up against Mark, he's gracious -- "He has been just kicking my butt all season, so I think it's terrific I get to go against Mark one last time."

* I love that all the folk that rushed the stage when Bernie won the runner-up prize were wearing berndanas. That's awesome.

* Bob and Jillian look pretty damn good, although it's weird seeing Jillian in a dress. And is Bob wearing an ascot, or is that just some sort of sloppy tie? And is it tie-dyed? Oh, Bob!

* Jillian gets the best trainer-cum-cult-leader quote: "Make impossible your favorite word. Welcome the challenge." She is good.

Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun
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