SNERD By Mortimer Snerd May 16, 2011
Mayoral Power Play
Rahm Emanuel was wielding his wide web of newfound mayoral power even before his official oath-taking. At the kick-off event of his official inauguration festivities on Saturday afternoon at Grant Park, Emanuel was ecstatic to meet the band Chicago before their free performance. When talking to the band members backstage, he gushed about how big a fan of theirs he was, and told the group's lead singer, Robert Lamm, that their song, "Saturday In The Park" was one of his all-time favorites. When Lamm explained the band wasn't going to play the song at the event, Emanuel calmly nodded his head, shook Lamm's hand, sighed, "Oh, interesting," and walked away. However, a minute later in a nearby dressing room, "Mount Emanuel" erupted into a tirade and was heard yelling at the top of his lungs to his aides, "What the #@!&*%$!!! They're not playing #$%@-ing "Saturday In The Park"?!!! Tell them to play the #$%@&$#-ing song!!! I'll sue them and they'll never be able to use the name of the city ever again!! This is MY #@%$&@-ing party, and they WILL play the songs I want or I'll get Tom Dreesen to tell some of his lame jokes and boring Sinatra stories! ! In fact, tell them they have to play "Old Days" too. I don't even like that one, but I'm the #$@%$%$ mayor now!! The outcome? Both songs WERE played and thankfully, Dreesen wasn't summoned.
Oprah's Final Favorite Thing
When the City of Chicago officially named a street after departing local treasure, Oprah Winfrey, the conquering queen of daytime talk proclaimed publicly that the honor was better than an Academy Award. However...I've "over-Snerd" that behind the scenes, the rotund raconteur was actually lobbying for a bigger honor than just a silly little street named after her...she wanted THE CITY re-named after her!! Yep, my Snerd sources tell me that through back channels, Oprah let it be known to out-going Mayor Richard M. Daley, that she would "appreciate" if Daley used one of his last mayoral powers to officially rename Our Town - get this - "Chicago-prah." According to close pals, Winfrey felt the city owed it to her, "Girlfriend, I put this city on the map. Before me, this little town was known for gangsters like Al Capone, now it's known for me and my legacy. 'Chicago' is named after smelling onions, for god sakes! 'Chicago-prah' has pizzazz and the branding the city needs. Remember the Olympic bid?," she told a friend over snacks at Five Guys Burgers. Needless to say (and thankfully), "Da Mare" turned down her outrageous demand, especially when he recalled Oprah's legacy is highlighted by man-hating, new age philosophies, car giveaways, and wagons filled with fat. You go (far away), girl!
Osama's Dirty Little Secret...
I've "over-Snerd" that among the reported porn films found at the Osama bin Laden Pakistan "villa," included the titles, "Behind The Green Burka," "Tali-banned," "Debbie Does Dubai," and "Suicide Sex Bomber." I guess even a terrorist needs a diversion...
Rock 'n' Roll Never Forgets?
Rock 'n' roll may never forget, but it may have trouble recognizing. I've "over-Snerd" that when Detroit's favorite son, Bob Seger, knocked at the backstage door of the Allstate Arena for his sold-out May 14 concert, he had some trouble getting past security. It seems with the passing of the years, Seger's aging audience now consists of mostly white, male, gray-bearded and potbellied rockers. And that's pretty much was the 65-year-old Seger looks like these days too. When Seger arrived at the arena, he was immediately surrounded by sea of excited fans that looked exactly like him and security was confused. Seger moved through the crowd toward the door and expected to be let in without a fuss, but when he didn't have any credentials or identification on him, security bosses blocked the entrance. "Come on, man, I'm Bob Seger!," the shocked rocker explained. But noticing that security wasn't sure, one of the Segar look-a-likes yelled out, "No, I'M Bob Seger!." And then another "similar Seger" said the same thing. Chaos soon ensued when at least 20 "Segers" were yelling THEY were the "beautiful loser." After about 10 minutes of trying to convince the beefy bodyguards that he was indeed the legendary "ramblin', gamblin' man," Seger decided to offer the best proof of who he was...he broke out into an a capella version of his classic hit, "Turn The Page." The impromptu performance did the trick and he was let in. Strange how the night moves...
Two And A Half Men...and A Demi?
Now that professional Twitter-er and sometime actor Ashton Kutcher has been named the Charlie Sheen replacement on TV's hit sitcom "Two And A Half Men," my Tinseltown tipsters tell me that Ashton's wife, Demi Moore is hoping to revive her sagging career on the heels of her hunky husband. I've "over-Snerd" that when Ashton was offered the job, Demi saw it as a chance for her return to the spotlight and suggested SHE also be added to the cast as either a sexy cougar neighbor, or to replace the character Berta as the 2.5 men's maid. CBS execs politely turned down the offer, and said they'd keep her in mind for the Angela Lansbury role if they ever do a re-make of "Murder She Wrote."
Not celebrating a birthday anymore: Noted Spanish golfer and Masters and British Open champ, Seve Ballesteros, 54; breathless.
Until next time, keep venting!