"Why was this Ryder Cup thing so great?" she asked.
Ahhh, the opening I needed. A flicker of interest on her part. "It was the ultimate golf challenge," I said. "Those guys weren't even playing for money."
"No guy won. Europe won. They played as a team," I said. "The U.S. was winning after fourballs and foursomes, but Europe caught up in singles."
"Wait, they hit FOUR balls? The entire hockey season doesn't last that long."
"They only hit one ball each," I replied. Quickly. "They play with partners. Lowest score wins in fourballs. In foursomes they alternate shots. In singles they don't have partners. It's just one against one. Low score wins."
"When you were watching it, all I saw was a guy in an ugly striped shirt picking up his ball."
"You mean the American?"
"I guess. Did he quit? Hockey players don't quit. They pull the goalie!"
"He didn't quit. He picked up his ball because he had already lost the hole."
"When we were dating, you got mad when I picked up my ball."
"As I recall, you did it in the second fairway."
"Why were you weeping when the Ryder Cup ended?" she asked.
"Because Europe came back and won 14 1/2 to 13 1/2.
"So you get half a point for quitting?"
"No you get half a point for tying."
"They can tie? There's no tying in hockey. They have shootouts. That's what golf needs."
"What do you suggest? Luke Donald hits a tee shot and Bubba Watson stands in the fairway and tries to catch it?"
"I'd watch that."
"There's still golf on TV through December," I said. Just watch it with me. Please? We'll even drink Pinot."
"OK, hand me the remote."
"That's the spirit honey. Wait, what is this?"
"It's Game Six of the Hawks' Stanley Cup victory in 2010. I never get tired of watching it."
"But, but golf is on. Gimme that!"
Ouch. Five minutes for fighting.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad," available at http://amzn.to/schwem. Visit Greg on the web at http://www.gregschwem.com.)
Greg Schwem: The puck stops here: How to convert your wife to golf
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