I'll have a pina colada and UCF season tickets!

Stadium tiki bar is a great idea

Running off at the typewriter. …

I love the fact that UCF wants to build a tiki bar at its football stadium, but I don't think the school is going far enough in trying to create a tropical motif at its games. I'm thinking George O'Leary should coach in an Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops. And after he wins the big game against USF, his players should drench him with a celebratory bucket of Singapore Slings! New UCF fight song: "Put the Lime in the Coconut!" … Besides former Auburn player Mike McNeil awaiting trial for armed robbery, here's the other credibility issue I have with his accusation that Florida Gators coach Will Muschamp gave him illicit cash while Muschamp was defensive coordinator at Auburn. According to an investigative report at Roopstigo.com, McNeil said Muschamp gave him $400 after he had a bad day at practice. Say what? Muschamp giving a player money after a bad practice? The demanding, ultra-intense Muschamp would more likely TAKE a player's money after a bad practice. …

Did you see where the league formerly known as the Big East is now going to be known as the American Athletic Conference. According to one clever reader, this makes UCF fans "American Athletic supporters." … Rock and roll guitar legend and uber-conservative political activist Ted Nugent was on my radio show earlier this week and had this to say about his passion for the outdoors: "Instead of the clowns, wimps and sheep who get high on drugs, alcohol and tobacco, I do the organic boogie. I get high on nature. I climb a tree about 300 times a year and stab unsuspecting herbivores with my bow and arrow." … Miami Heat forward Shane Battier predicts the NBA is not far away from having its first female player. I think somebody needs to give Battier a drug test. His contention is ludicrous. Golf? Maybe. NASCAR? Absolutely. But it's almost a natural impossibility for women to compete with men at the highest level of a sport that puts a premium on running, jumping, strength and speed. …

Injured Louisville basketball player Kevin Ware has become a national celebrity since he suffered that grotesquely broken leg. In fact, he went on Letterman the other night and did a "Top 10 list" of things that went through his mind when he broke his leg. "No. 8: Hey, look, my tibia!" … Congratulations to Shaq, who got his jersey retired earlier this week by the Los Angeles Lakers. Meanwhile in Orlando, the Magic retired Shaq's lowball contract offer and that Sentinel poll. … Instead of firing Mike Rice maybe Rutgers should have given him a raise. Until this week, I wasn't even aware the school had a basketball team. And just think of the potential revenue stream. Rutgers could have become the first school in intercollegiate sports history to sell out every basketball practice. … Earlier this week, Lindsay Lohan played an April Fool's prank by going on Twitter and announcing she was pregnant. Meanwhile, Scott Skiles released a statement: "It's not mine!" …

Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot.' " … A moment of silence, please, Roger Ebert has gone to That Big AMC Cineplex in the Sky. … True story: A couple of weeks ago, Tim Tebow was in Wichita and gave the Wichita State basketball team a pep talk on the team bus. Now, shockingly, the Shockers are in the Final Four. If Wichita State wins it all, I'm declaring Tebow the first player of the modern era to ever lead teams to football and basketball national championships. … According to ESPN, Auburn's 2010 national championship football team was rife with players who tested positive for synthetic marijuana. This is a disgrace and a travesty. I mean, come on, you'd think with all that booster money Auburn players would be able to afford the real stuff.

Open Mike

Don't forget, you can click on OrlandoSentinel.com and read the wildly popular Open Mike blog and interactive extravaganza to get my freshest takes on what's happening in the world of sports. Here's a blog about my conversation with Selena Roberts, the reporter who wrote the story earlier this week linking Gators coach Will Muschamp to transgressions in the Auburn program.

University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp, you might say, is part of the collateral damage in the fallout emanating from the perennially scandalous Auburn football program.

Selena Roberts, the former New York Times, Sports Illustrated and Orlando Sentinel reporter, recently wrote an in-depth investigative piece on the Auburn football program at her own website -- Roopstigo.com. The story quoted former players and family members as saying Auburn changed grades, paid players and even controlled the local police force during the time frame when former coach Gene Chizik won a national championship in 2010. Deep within the story is a passage claiming Muschamp illicitly funneled $400 in cash to a player when he was a defensive coordinator at Auburn -- not under Chizik but under former head coach Tommy Tuberville.

The former player Mike McNeil claims that following a tough practice in 2007, Muschamp called him into his office.

"I had no clue what it was about because I'd never directly asked him (Muschamp) for anything," McNeil told Roberts. "He slid about $400 over to me. He went into a drawer and gave me money and said, 'Is this enough? Is this good?' And I said, 'Yeah, I'm good.'"

Through a UF spokesperson, Muschamp has denied he gave McNeil any cash.

Roberts was on our "Open Mike" radio show Thursday and I asked her about the credibility of McNeil, who is currently awaiting trial for armed robbery stemming from an incident in 2011 when he played at Auburn.

"He (McNeil) hasn't been proven guilty of anything," Roberts said, "and I'm not sure what a payment from Muschamp would have to do with a (robbery) charge he says he's innocent of." The reaction of people who speak a truth -- to jump down their throat -- I would say why isn't the reaction to jump down the throat of the people who run the (Auburn) program? ... They are the powerful people. They wield the influence. ... Instead of looking at (McNeil's) credibility maybe people should be looking at the Auburn institution's credibility."

Added Roberts: "We often blame the player for taking $400, and don't hold the more powerful people responsible. Maybe it's time to hold those powerful people accountable for running a place like a police state."

Mail Bonding:

(Most interesting reader retorts, radio rabble, tangy tweets and message board mockery of the week):

On former Auburn player accusing Gators coach Will Muschamp of offering him money: "I'm sure Bianchi is going to find a way to blame this on Urban Meyer."

On UCF potentially building a tiki bar at its football stadium: "Are we going to replace our cheerleaders with hula girls, too?"

On Rutgers firing Mike Rice for abusing his players: "He can always become the Osceola County Clerk of the Court."

Notable Quotables

(In memory of renowned movie critic Roger Ebert, who died earlier this week, here are three of his greatest rip jobs):

Battlefield Earth, 2000: "Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way."

Armageddon, 1998: "No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out."

B.A.P.S., 1997: "My guess is that African Americans will be offended by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The movie will bring us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom."

mbianchi@tribune.com. Follow him on Twitter @BianchiWrites. Listen to his radio show every weekday from 6 to 9 a.m. on 740 AM.

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