Let's get it over with and change the name of One Buc Place to Dysfunction Junction.
Or maybe we're just watching the extended director's cut of Mean Girls.
It gets confusing with all the bickering and the backstabbing.
The coach loathes the quarterback. The quarterback loathes the coach. The kicker contracts MRSA in the locker room and his wife goes on a Twitter rant against the organization. The NFL Players Association files a grievance against the team on behalf of the kicker, Lawrence Tynes, questioning whether the team denied him certain benefits.
And we're only approaching Week 5 of the NFL season.
Quarterback Josh Freeman will never play a down for this team. That's an easy money bet, since in the span of one week, Freeman has gone from the franchise quarterback to a guy in the inactive list ordered to watch last Sunday's game against the Arizona Cardinals in a suite.
That was just a prelude to the latest body blow to Freeman's career — the revelation Freeman was in Stage 1 of the league's substance abuse program because he was under medication to treat ADHD. Freeman, understandably so, wondered why that confidential information was leaked to the media.
"It is a shame that when times have gotten tough, people have chosen to attack the character of others, rather than supporting each other," Freeman said in a statement.
Coach Greg Schiano insisted he didn't leak the info. Then again, this is the same man who said it was a "mutual decision" for Freeman to watch the game from a suite. Freeman and his people said he was ordered upstairs.
So whether he is guilty of not, Schiano has earned a roll of the eyes from skeptics.
Schiano is a control freak. He insists that thermostats be set at 67.5 degrees for team meetings. He's also infamous for a "toes on the line!" rant echoed by former Bucs tight end Kellen Winslow, happy that he was set free from the Bucs after Schiano replaced Raheem Morris last season.
There is nothing wrong with coaches who won't put up with nonsense. But the tough guy persona only works if you win on Sundays. The Bucs haven't won a game in 2013, and they have lost nine of the last 10 under Schiano. They've lost three of four this season after last-minute meltdowns. A team that was expected to compete for a playoff spot is already considered an afterthought in that conversation.
Schiano and the organization can't dump all of this on Freeman. For now, they are stuck in a loveless marriage, but the Bucs are glad to let go of Freeman, assuming some team is willing team take a chance on an under-achieving quarterback with the stigma of substance abuse on his resume.
I suspect a divorce with Schiano is imminent, too. Maybe not this season, but this will not end well.
Schiano is destined to be another college guy who couldn't cut it in the NFL. A coach can get away with running a tyrannical program at Rutgers, but not so much trying to rein in adults empowered by Roger Goodell's Shield.
Schiano has already lost support from some players in his locker room. Some are friends of Freeman who believe he got back-stabbed. Others are tired of being ordered to do bush-league things like bum-rush the quarterback victory kneel-down (ask Arizona coach Bruce Arians and New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin). And there are guys like Darrelle Revis, the best cover-corner in the league, who had to ask for a meeting with Schiano wondering what was the point of rolling into zone coverage when Revis Island has your back.
All these issues mushroom, and pretty soon a drip of rain escalates into a thunderstorm.
Schiano may think he can duck inside for cover at One Buc Place, but he shouldn't even bother adjusting the thermostat.
It's nice and toasty inside, outside, and anywhere else he goes. It's the heat that a coach feels when he makes incessant demands in a locker room losing its patience.
It's a short ride from Rutgers to Irrelevance.