"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I have to charge."
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Lindsay Lohan is the milkshake and I am the boy. All the other stuff is just good use of alliteration and rhyming patterns. For the sake of the movie review, however, the yard represents Mean Girls and the charge was $1.
Prior to seeing Mean Girls, I was unfamiliar with Lohan's body of work. Somehow I hadn't seen The Parent Trap or Freaky Friday, her two previous box-office renegades. A big reason for that might be because I left middle school in 1992. It also could have something to do with the gratuitous consent laws our society seems to deem necessary.
As Cady Heron, Lohan sets the screen on fire in this teen epic about life, love and revenge. Cady spent the first 15 years of her life in the African jungle, home-schooled by her zoologist parents. Mimicking such an accent could prove hard work for some actresses, but not the multi-proportional Lohan.
In Mean Girls, she delivers her African dialect like a white Dikembe Mutombu. There were times I expected her to shoot a basketball or talk in some indiscernible language known only to a Dinka tribesman. That's how convincing her performance was.
Of course, the jungles of Africa couldn't prepare Cady for the cat fighting of high school. She's immediately picked on for her naive sensibilities. The social classes and backstabbing are all new to her.
She runs into two compassionate teens, Janis (Lizzy Caplan) and Damian (Daniel Franzese). The pair is outcast for their perceived sexual identities. On the way to joining them at the lunch table, Cady is approached by the Plastics the three most beautiful and popular juniors at the school.
The group Regina (Rachel McAdams), Gretchen (Lacey Chabert) and Karen (Amanda Seyfried) invite Cady to become a member. Janis and Damian warn her of the consequences and she quickly finds out just what they were talking about.
Regina, the leader, ruins Cady's chances with a boy. Cady answers back by conning Regina into eating weight-gain bars and the infighting begins. The two square off shortly after that.
All the while, the group chastises the rest of the school in their secret Burn Book. Damian is referred to as "too gay to function" and Cady's calculus teacher Ms. Norbury (writer/director Tina Fey) is accused of dealing drugs.
The movie comes to a head when, in an act of retaliation, Regina makes copies of the Burn Book's pages and distributes them to the junior girls. The whole school is turned upside down as the girls are faced with their most awful secrets and blemishes. Only Ms. Norbury can help them understand just how special it is to be yourself.
Saturday Night Live's Fey hit the mark with Mean Girls. On the surface it looks like just another teen movie, but in truth it's the cinematic mirror that we look into everyday. Sure, some of us might be fat or gay or even Jewish. The fact remains, we're all human beings and we all have things we do and do not like about ourselves.
Take fellow TN$MC reviewer Jon Sullivan, for instance. He's as hairy as an ape and has deceptively small feet. That doesn't make him any less of a person. With as much hair as he has, it probably makes him some sort of genetic freak. He might even get government funding if he applied.
Now that my review is over and with the consent of my editor I'd like to make a public plea for a date with Ms. Lohan. If any of you reading this know her or any of her friends, I implore you to forward my request.
Lindsay, I know this sounds crazy, what with you being all of 18 and me being 26. Let's not talk numbers though. They're often times confusing. Like that Dewey Decimal thing.
You're dating Fez from That '70s Show. Fez! He's this generation's Erik Estrada. I know you can do better than that. If you were going out with Ashton Kutcher, than I could see a conflict of interest. But I've got to be at least as goodlooking and talented as Fez. Probably just as old too.
Think about it, Lindsay. I'm not talking marriage. Let's just get a blizzard from Dairy Queen and maybe a game of miniature golf and see where the night takes us. You know how to get a hold of me. I'll be waiting.
The verdict: Not everyone can be as hot as Lindsay Lohan. If you were, I'd have your semi-revealing picture as my computer's desktop wallpaper and that'd just be strange.