Talk Like a Pirate Day, Washington-style

Thursday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day. It struck me as an appropriate way of commenting on the gathering storm in Washington.

"Ahoy, maties!" yelled Captain Ted Cruz, staring across the sea through his spyglass. "It's that scurvy Blue Muslim, in our sights at last!"

Deckhand Mike Fitzpatrick leaned toward Charlie Dent. "I know we signed on to this cruise, but this is pointless," he whispered. As Dent nodded, a cat o' nine tails cracked across his back.

"Stow it, ye lubbers!" ordered the first mate, Marco Rubio. "Man the braces, smartly now, afore we have ye dancin' from a yardarm! We'll teach ye to keep a civil tongue in yer head!"

"Aye aye, sir," Dent said.

Cruz rubbed his hands in glee as the Golden Tea Party gained ground on his foe. "How long we've been waitin' for this day, me hearties! How I've longed to have that socialist bilge rat Barack finally feel the sting of me steel through his evil gullet!"

Chief gunnery officer John Boehner approached the captain. "What's your plan for subduing this brigand?" he asked.

Cruz glared at him through his one good eye. "Shipmate," he growled, "I ain't sure I like yer manner of speakin'. Reminds me too much of them fancy-talkin' lubbers in the Blue Muslim. Next ye'll be preachin' a lotta bilge-wash about evolution and climate change!"

"I would never …"

"I'll ask ye to palaver in a manner more pleasin' to me ear, if ye don't want yer neck stretched!"

"Beggin' yer pardon, Cap'n," Boehner said, blanching.

"That be more like it!" Cruz said.

He climbed on top of a powder keg. "Avast, me hearties!" he yelled. "I be of a democratic mind today. So I'll be askin' ye for yer ideas on the best way to take that blackhearted devil and his mates to Davy Jones' Locker!"

The ship's purser, Donald Trump, yelled, "Make him take a lie detector test to prove his place of birth!"

Cruz narrowed his eye. "Matey, take that raccoon off ye head when ye be addressin' yer cap'n. It ain't dignified, in a manner a speakin'"

"But … that's my hair, captain."

"Aaarr. Ye be a bit too dandified for me taste," he said. He turned to mate Mitch McConnell. "I think he be needin' a swim, if ye get me meanin'. Smartly now."

"This jacket is rich purple velvet!" Trump protested. "Salt water will ruin it!"

Cruz cackled at that. "I be thinkin' sharks'll be wearin' that garment afore long!" The men lifted the screaming Trump and heaved him overboard.

"Mr. Toomey," Cruz said. "Ye be me new purser. I like the cut a yer jib."

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