Plastic surgeon to Hollywood stars still dead

Let's begin today's blooper column with … me.

Specifically, let's begin with this immortal sentence:

"Miller talked about policemen spending entire shifts trying to locate dog owners and driving them to shelters that will take them, in some cases a couple of counties away."

One of the readers who responded to this wrote: "Why do the dog owners have to go to shelters? I knew there were dogless homeowners, but I didn't know there were homeless dog owners."

I have no defense for inadvertently suggesting that dog owners will be driven to and housed in animal shelters. But if you were shocked at my stupidity, you haven't been reading these blooper columns closely enough. My mistakes have been in lots of them.

With that out of the way, let's get back to making fun of everybody else, which I much prefer.

A reader recently wrote me, "The sketchy full-page ad in the first section of today's paper has the headline: 'Doctor's "tummy tuck" pill reduces fat bulges up to 400%.'

"As I suspect you know, you can't reduce something by more than 100%. I think I'd rather get my dangerous, unregulated supplements from someone who at least grasps basic math."

This ad would have cracked me up even if it hadn't featured bad math.

I've long been a fan of full-page ads that appear to be news stories. Typically, the word "Advertisement" appears in a size that would seem tiny to Thumbalina, let alone the typical newspaper reader.

Past advertisements I've poked fun at have included one for the National Air & Space Depot's Long Range 21-Mile Sea & Field Binoculars, which actually were good for about half a block, not 21 miles; "THE NECKLACE THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION," a cheap knockoff of the necklace in the movie "Titanic; and Amish space heater ads that were hilarious in many ways, but that I focused on specifically because of what I described as "Hot Lesbians," beautiful blondes sprawled on their bed in slinky negligees while they gazed lovingly at the space heater.

The latter drew an amazing number of hits to my blog, although I suspect most of them were disappointed, even angry, at the tameness of what they found. Worst of all, the company stopped using the tawny blondes in its ads, for which I'm still berating myself. Luckily, I have one of the originals displayed in my Hall of Fame.

But hey, let's get back to the tummy tuck pill. Since those ad revenues help pay my fabulous salary, I'll refrain from commenting on the likelihood that this dietary supplement will make your beer gut disappear. But I will note that much of the ad focuses on Dr. Frank Ryan, "famous plastic surgeon to the Hollywood stars."

I thought that sounded familiar, so I went back and saw that I began one of my Eating My Way Through Musikfest columns by remarking on a similar ad. However, the earlier version reported that Dr. Ryan "died in a tragic car accident on the Pacific Coast Highway near his ranch in Malibu."

As far as we know from this latest ad, he's still keeping movie stars looking svelte and huge-breasted.

I Googled his name and discovered that he's still dead and that his tragic car accident three years ago was marked by unusual circumstances. Here's how the story on MTV News began:

In one of the starkest reminders to date of the dangers of texting while driving, the late celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan was reportedly tweeting about his dog just before his car plunged off a cliff in Malibu on Monday.

Ryan, best known for performing several surgeries on "The Hills" star Heidi Montag, was killed when his 1995 Jeep Wrangler fell off the side of the twisty Pacific Coast Highway and fell on its roof.

Ex-girlfriend Charmaine Blake told People magazine that Ryan was sending out a Twitter message about his border collie, Jill, just before his crash. "He lived up in Malibu on a tiny street, and he was texting while driving, and he accidentally went over the cliff," she told the magazine. Blake added that Ryan's family was told by crash investigators that the texting caused the wreck.

The dog survived the crash.

There's an important lesson in this, whether you have a six-pack or look like a python that swallowed a medicine ball. Do NOT text about your dog while you're driving along a cliff. Wait until you're safely back on a busy highway.

Speaking of bad driving, I've completely swerved from my original topic, and I have room for only two more recent bloopers:

Dewey, the Library Cat? A cat listed for adoption was described as a "big read boy." That Dewey line came from the reader who submitted this, who also wrote, "Does he prefer fiction or nonfiction? Probably he only reads CATalogs!" Sorry.

EDACASHUN SECTION. "Education Section" advertising insert: "There's benefits to joining a campus group." I've harped on this before, but that's terrible grammar, as you'll find if you spell out the contraction and end up with "There is benefits to joining a campus group."

There are no reason to do it.

bill.white@mcall.com 610-820-6105

Bill White's commentary appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

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