Some days it's all you can do to not eat the whole chocolate cake, covered with chocolate ice cream and slathered with chocolate syrup.
I had my annual visit to my doctor so she could write me an order to get my annual mammogram. She said the bone density test I took last fall during Meyersdale hospital's wellness night shows I have borderline osteoporosis and needed a closer look.
I was dumbstruck from her having the nerve to bring up my age just one week before my birthday. So I changed the subject to my hormonal migraines growing in pain intensity.
"You know what that's a sign of," she said, looking me right in the eyes. The doctor actually made ME say it.
"Menopause?" I squeaked. Yes, she said.
When she followed with "we should start talking colonoscopy," I nearly stuck my fingers in my ears while singing a favorite nursery rhyme loudly.
I went home and had an AARP application form in the mail. I started putting together a jigsaw puzzle I got for Christmas, but had to put on my bifocals to see the design on the individual pieces.
Totally depressed, I even missed that that day was National Chocolate Cake Day.
I wanted some sympathy, so I emailed my troubles to four of my closest friends from high school.
Bonnie answered: "I think we all are in the same boat. I was just told the same thing; that I'm perimenopausal. I got an AARP form in the mail addressed to me about two years ago."
Dianne said: "I received my FIRST AARP application when I was 35!!! I have had osteoporosis since 2004 and take supplemental calcium daily."
Vicki: "I always told my seniors where I worked that someone had my body 50 years before I did and wore the doggone thing out! Girls, let's face it! We are our parents now! (In my case, grandparents.)"
Roxanne: "I am wearing my first pair of Jobst stockings today! To those of you who don't know what they are for — it's compression hose for varicose veins. Getting them on was no picnic! I'll have to allow myself 15 more minutes in the morning for tugging and pulling!"
Dianne and Bonnie sympathized with the Jobst stockings ordeal. Judging by what these three women describe, Jobst stockings should be a workout video or exercise at the gym because of how much one sweats putting them on and taking them off.
Later I went to the gym and spied my sister-in-law. Here's somebody who will pat my hand and say "There. There. You're not getting older, you're getting better!"
"My doctor thinks I'm getting osteoporosis," I announced.
"Humpf," she said. "I'm surprised she didn't tell you to get a colonscopy."
(Madolin Edwards is the Community News editor and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.)