Like most rational Americans who get their information from blogs that have the word "patriot" in them, I was appalled to learn that President Barack Obama had once again filled out an NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket.
Smartly, lawmakers of the Republican persuasion pounced on this news. Rep. Steve Scalise of Louisiana said the president was clearly not taking his job seriously. Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California told Fox News: "I bet you (Obama) spends more time filling out his 'March Madness' brackets than he does writing a budget."
One might think this is good news, as the basketball games would distract Obama from his regular work which, according to right-wing talk show hosts, involves the destruction of all America holds dear.
As radio pundit Mark Levin said earlier this year, Obama is "destroying jobs," "hollowing out our military" and "destroying our health care system."
Perhaps a little more time spent contemplating brackets would preserve the union.
But logic aside, it's clear from the number of politicians who complained about Obama's NCAA picks that the president had done something terrible.
To figure out how historically terrible this was, I consulted Bert Rockman, a presidential scholar at Purdue University.
"Obama is probably the biggest basketball fan that's been in the White House, so of course he does a bracket," Rockman said. "And everybody does. It's kind of a national pastime. This is another big to-do about nothing. Presidents do this sort of thing."
Obviously, Obama and his socialist goons had already gotten to Rockman.
But if I've learned one thing from Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, it's that everything Obama does involves a conspiracy.
Why just last week, Hatch said he believes Obamacare was put in place so it could fail and then be used as an excuse to establish ... SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!
So there had to be more to this NCAA bracket.
I decided to take a closer look.
First off, having the president fill out the bracket is a transparent example of big government picking winners and losers. Add to that the fact that he picked only five upsets in the first round, and it's clear we're dealing with a man who doesn't believe in American exceptionalism.
But it's in the later rounds that things get truly nefarious.
Obama's Final Four teams are Florida, Ohio State, Indiana and Louisville. Put those first letters together and you get: FOIL. As in, "he's trying to foil America's chances of remaining a great nation."
Still not convinced? It goes deeper.
The two teams he picks to go to the championship game are from the Midwest bracket and the East bracket. MIDwest and EAST. MID-EAST. MIDDLE EAST? Our president is obviously a secret Muslim.
And that's not all.
An anagram of "Indiana Louisville," the two teams he picked to make the final game, is: Nailed Via Illusion. Obama's presidency is an illusion — and we're getting nailed.