A nation of predominantly couch-bound television watchers got some bad news tonight, as President Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination and delivered the following line: "America's not about what can be done for us, it's about what can be done by us."
That sounds suspiciously like it would involve me doing something, a policy position I am generally opposed to. I would have preferred something more along the lines of: "America's not about what can be done for us, but if you'd like, I'll do that stuff for you, and can I get you some more Cheetos?"
Now that's a platform!
Obama, wrapping up the 2012 Democratic National Convention, went on to say: "You didn't elect me to tell you what you wanted to hear. You elected me to tell you the truth."
Again, Mr. President, I'm going to have to quibble with you a bit on that one. We Americans don't take Prozac and watch reality television because we want the unvarnished truth. We prefer more of a "here's kind of what's going on, but don't worry, it's all going to be fine" type of information flow.
Of course Obama's speech wasn't all about telling us to work harder and accept the cold realities of life.
He also took some time to slam his opponent, Mitt Romney, with a few patented presidential kidney punches. (Any injury from those are likely covered under Obamacare.)
The president mocked Romney for calling Russia our No. 1 enemy, then suggested that if you told a Republican you were getting a cold they'd tell you to "take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning."
Aside from that being a terrible, terrible joke, it was kind of unfair because Romney wasn't there to defend himself by having Paul Ryan do a thousand push-ups on Obama's face.
Anyhoo, the convention wrapped up with liberals in the building and in Whole Foods across the nation shaking with so much excitement they were in danger of spilling their gluten-free fruit smoothies.
"We are moving forward, America," Obama said.
Yes, and now we can thankfully leave two weeks of political conventions behind.
Manticore, John Kerry, and 'Myth' Romney 7:03 PM CDT
In advance of Barack Obama's big speech tonight at the Democratic National Convention, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank got the crowd riled up by referring to Mitt Romney as "Myth" Romney.
Frank said that when Romney was governor of Massachusetts, the former venture capitalist's business experience didn't translate into many new jobs – thus the myth joke.
If the Romney campaign is smart, it will quickly find a positive mythical beast to associate with Romney. Like a manticore – the body of a lion with a human head and, let's say, known for its ability to turn around bad economies.
Continuing the evening's Massachusetts theme, Sen. John Kerry is expected to take the stage and go after Romney's foreign policy credentials. Anyone who remembers Kerry from his 2004 presidential run knows his speech will be intelligent and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …………..
Early snippets of Obama's speech have been released and show that he'll "ask the country to rally around a set of goals on manufacturing, energy, education, national security, and the deficit."
That may sound a lot like what Mitt Romney – and every presidential candidate ever – talked about, but your only other viewing option is the Video Music Awards on MTV.
The Tribune's Rex W. Huppke satirizes the political conventions.
Huppke wraps up convention seasonSeptember 7, 2012
Rex Huppke's weighs DNC vs. NFLSeptember 6, 2012
Huppke on Michelle Obama's armsSeptember 5, 2012
Unconventional: Satirist Huppke previews the DNCSeptember 4, 2012