I really wish John Malcovich would start paying his share of the rent.
A couple of times a year, a piece of mail for the guy shows up in our mailbox at home. And that's fine. We have a bedroom for him and all. It's just that...well, he's stiffing my roommate and me on the bills.
Apparently, between movies, perhaps, John somehow indicated to the Marines that he might be interested in signing on. Because that's who's always sending him mail. And perhaps he was mistaken about his address when he gave them his contact information. Either that, or he lived without fanfare in my quiet neighborhood. Anyhow, whenever an envelope for him arrives, I chuckle and set it aside instead of throwing it away. I guess I just find it amusing.
I know the famous actor really spells his last name with a K, not a C - Malkovich. But where's the fun in that? Nobody wants to read about some schlep named John Malcovich who was drummed out of the corps.
No, instead I prefer to think it's intended for the Academy Award nominee and fashion designer. That's a much better story, even if it's not true.
I don't know who owned the house I now live in before my roommate bought it. But I don't see any evidence of a John Malcovich - or John Malkovich - ever living in the area around Northern State University here in town.
Most likely, I suppose, some kid pulled a fast one on a Marine recruiter, jotting down the Malcovich name, but failing to spell it right. It was probably all in the name of getting a free T-shirt or backpack. We'll do anything for free swag nowadays. That story also makes me smile, another reason for my not immediately tossing the Malcovich mail.
But maybe - just maybe - it's all tied to the movie Being John Malkovich. Did you ever see that show? It was a good one, released in 1999 and starring John Cusack, Cameron Diaz and, naturally, Malkovich. Anyhow, a woman finds a portal that allows those who enter it to hear, feel and see everything Malkovich does. Then, when they're ejected from the portal, they land near the New Jersey Turnpike. I honestly can't recall all of Malkovich's doings, but I remember them being pretty crazy, pretty odd. Maybe he visited Aberdeen? Maybe he crashed at our place?
Well, Malkovich, if you're reading...and sneaking into our house, drinking the last can of beer and sleeping it off in the spare bedroom, that's cool. I've got no problem with that. None whatsoever.
It'd be nice if you stopped by one of the local film festivals as a show of support, but whatever. I don't control your schedule. I'm just hoping you'll start chipping in for rent, cable and utilities. I expect you to pull your weight, got it, Malkovich?
That goes for you, too, Malcovich.
Scott Waltman is a reporter for the American News. He can be reached at swaltman@ aberdeennews.com; 800-925-4100, ext. 315 or 605-622-2315.