It's just a tremendous week for sports here in Chicago.
Cubs in NYC. Look over there! It's Joe Girardi! Remember him? He's the guy who used you to get more cash from the Yankees. Memo to Epstein and Hoyer: He was never interested in you, ever. Do you feel like a lonely mistress? That's OK. We have Edwin Jackson, and his many innings.
Look, over there! Alfonso Soriano! Alfonso is the Yankees DH and the Cubs' highest-paid player. I honestly can't make this stuff up.
For the rest of the Cubs, please note: You're officially auditioning for the Yankees. Make it count!
South Siders, not much better. Look! It's A.J. Pierzynski! We let you go for absolutely nothing because we had—wait for it—Tyler Flowers.
Wow, that actually happens. Hey, wait! Jake Peavy! Come here! You have a World Series ring already after joining the Boston Red Sox! What in the world is that like?!
A quick memo to Hahn: Thank you, sir. You have created, no exaggeration, an offensive machine. Very, very fun to watch. Great hitters from Adam Eaton on down. And, lord almighty, Alexei Ramirez! Usually his season starts around mid-June! He started on time this year. Unreal.
But, and this is sad, in your list of to-dos this offseason, you forgot "fix the bullpen."
So bad news for Sox fans: Once it goes to the bullpen, it's over.
Another problem area: attendance. No one's going, myself included. Sunday's attendance: 28.
These may be seasonlong afflictions, so settle in and consider taking up drinking as a hobby.
However, as promised, playoffs! Blackhawks vs. Blues. A month ago, I would have said "Blues in six!"
Now I'm thinking "Blackhawks in six!"
Somebody woke the Blackhawks up and it wasn't me.
Bulls. A 4 seed. So respectable. Plus, the Carmelo Anthony talk won't go away!
And that's the real prize. Bulls take the Wizards, lose to the Pacers. Then it's Carmelo time.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.