Ah, it's that time once again.
We are just a couple of days from the college-football season kicking off and a week from the NFL doing the same. Finally, we can stop talking about whether Johnny Manziel is a cheater, Riley Cooper is a racist or Aaron Hernandez is a murderer.
Football season is the ultimate deodorant, fumigating all of the vile stench in the sports world, not to mention Miley Cyrus' stage performances.
It means spending an hour in the bathroom reading the Orlando Sentinel's football special section.
It means not feeling guilty when you crack your first beer at 9 a.m. — hey, the game starts at noon and tailgating IS a tradition!
But mostly it means that it's time once again for the studio audience to ask questions and seek answers from the "Oracle of Oblong" — better known as the proficient, profound, prophetic Professor Pigskin.
Professor Pigskin: My column last year was hacked by Manti Te'o's girlfriend. She catfished me and duped me into believing the 'Noles could get through a season without losing to an inferior ACC opponent.
SA: Whatever you say. Let's move on to 2013. Tell us, Professor, what matchup involving a state team will be the most heated this season — Florida State vs. Clemson, Florida vs. South Carolina, UCF vs. USF?
PP: None of the above. I'm looking forward to the bitter rematch between President Obama and those grumpy old members of the '72 Dolphins. Since they snubbed Obama's invitation to the White House, word is they've all had their phones tapped and undergone IRS audits. Stiffing the commander in chief is the biggest blooper this team has made since Garo Yepremian tried to throw a pass in the Super Bowl.
SA: Speaking of the NFL, what about the three teams in Florida? They were all pretty awful last year, but is this season going to be better?
PP: Let me put it this way: If they're lucky, the Jags, Bucs and Dolphins will combine for more victories than blackouts. The Dolphins will be the best team in the state with seven wins, followed by the Bucs with five and the Jags with three. After the Jags play a regular-season game in London's Wembley Stadium, the queen will call it the worst display by a bunch of Americans on English property since the Boston Tea Party.
SA: Well, then, whom do you have playing in the Super Bowl?
SA: The Bengals? Are you kidding? Professor Piggy, are you on PEDs (Prognosticatory Eradicating Drugs)?
PP: May a deranged airport-security officer inspect you with Miley Cyrus' foam finger!
SA: Whatever. Let's move on to college football. What's UCF's biggest game this year — Penn State, South Carolina, Louisville or USF?
PP: That's a silly question. From this point forward — this season and every season — UCF's biggest game is against USF and vice versa. That's why they call it a rivalry.