What do you want from a collegiate football coach? Slick promises he has no chance of keeping or brutal honesty about his lousy team?
Truthfully, I figured we would never have to discuss this because putting "coach" and "brutal honesty" together is hardly something to expect.
And then along came Charlie Weis and his stumblin', bumblin' Jayhawks.
At the Big 12 Media Day on Monday, Weis described how he recruits: "I said, 'Have you looked at the pile of crap out there? Have you taken a look at that? So if you don't think you can play here, where do you think you can play?"
Tough question, coach.
For those who don't know (and may not care), Kansas has been dead last in the conference for three consecutive years. Before Weis showed up last season (to collect $2.5 million per annum for five years), the Jays were led by the immortal Turner Gill, who turned in a two-year 5-19 record, cleaned out his desk and said, "You still owe me $6 million."
Turner is at Liberty now, where he produced a nifty 6-5 mark last season and hopefully has made a lot of good investments.
Meanwhile, Weis arrived in Kansas — and did worse. His Jayhawks were 1-11. The school has not won a road game in nearly four years. So how do you feel about what Weis had to say about his team?
I laughed. A lot.
But before you judge me as cold and uncaring, consider the following:
• I don't care what happens to Kansas. I've never thought much of the place since seeing "The Wizard of Oz" and still can't figure why Dorothy clicked those ruby heels.
• I have no children playing football at Kansas and, considering my son is 38, it's not likely.
• I've never even been to Kansas and am not sure I can point to it on a map. Isn't it close to Iowa?
So I can understand that if Kansas means anything to you, Weis might seem a trifle offensive. But remember two more things:
• You can bet the mortgage (whatever that's worth) that he told his current players he was talking about the players that are gone. Also, he probably told them to never believe anything he tells the evil media anyway. Wouldn't you?
• At least some of his former players agreed. The wonderfully named Toben Opurum — trying to make the Kansas City Chiefs as a fullback — said: "I mean, that's what it was, truth be told. . . . He's not going to beat around the bush."
With Weis, the bush doesn't stand a chance. He'd probably call it a rotten bush.
So I laughed.
Wonder how the school president reacted?
NFL thoughts: NFC West
San Francisco, 11-4-1 last season, over/under 11.5.
Fascinating. In a Fantasy football column later, I may write why Colin Kaepernick is the worst starting fantasy QB you could draft. All any good defense needs is film and time to study. Trust me, nobody has been studied more this offseason than Kaepernick. And then WR Michael Crabtree goes down, too. Plus Seattle is terrific and St. Louis improving. Don't measure these guys for their rings just yet.
Seattle, 11-5 last season, over/under 10.5.
Right now I like Seattle getting its "over" more than the Niners. Do you remember the Seahawks in December? They won all five and averaged 39 points per game— plus gave up the fewest points of anybody last season. And they look better. Come on.
St. Louis, 7-8-1 last season, over/under 7.5.
If these guys were in the AFC South, they might win it. They must find a new running game but the rest looks good — especially those 52 sacks last season. If you are already wondering about your backup fantasy QB, look close at Sam Bradford.
Arizona, 5-11 last season, over/under 5.5.
Talk about your "red-headed stepchild." With Coach Bruce Arians getting a chance to show his offensive fireworks, they may be fun to watch if QB Carson Palmer fools us all. But last season's o-line was awful and the schedule is brutal. Just too much competition.
'Sit-down' party on Nov. 19
This is not really a joke because of a global problem, but it will be interesting to know what your party plans are for "World Toilet Day" on Nov. 19 as decreed by the United Nations in an unanimous vote.
Sadly, the U.N. announcement contains the disturbing statement that 1.1 billion people had to "defecate in the open" last year. Probably did not want to know that but really glad that doesn't include any neighbors.
As for your party, you probably shouldn't invite too many friends unless you have a lot of bathrooms.
Reader Bill G. of Orlando first alerted me to this news, presumably so he could write: "It sounds like a crappy idea."
These are the notes, folks
• "TV Guide" is still running "Top 60" lists and the latest is greatest TV kids. Fred Savage from "The Wonder Years" is first, followed by Michael J. Fox from "Family Ties." Not in the top 10 but lumped into "the other 50" is Ron Howard ("Opie Taylor") from "The Andy Griffith Show," which is ridiculous.
• OK, the secret is over. The Cheap Seats actually is written by J.K. Rowling. You got me.
• You really should visit thebeatofsports.com now. There is great writing there about collegiate athletics by Marc Daniels and lots of other fascinating stuff — especially the story behind this headline: "NFL vs. Players Two Years Later ... No Contest." A stunner.
• Fantasy: My top five right this instant: 1. WR Calvin Johnson (Yes! A receiver as RB domination is coming to an end.); 2. RB Adrian Peterson; 3. WR A.J. Green; 4. RB Doug Martin; 5. QB Aaron Rodgers.
• You should go to funnyordie.com and look at the two Tom Brady videos. Very funny. (Warning, this is an adult site.)
• Two things really bothered me this week: I felt a little sorry for Lance Armstrong and I kind of wanted to buy A-Rod a drink (or a power shake).
Jerry hopes to return to his senses before he starts talking again Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to Noon on The Beat of Sports, hosted by Marc Daniels on 740theGame. And he'll respond to emails sent to email@example.com, sensibly or not. Have a great Sunday and be ready to turn in your first mock NFL fantasy draft by the end of the week.