I know what that's like.
I was in the seminary, and had I not made out with Sandy in front of the Our Lady of Fatima statue at Notre Dame, liked it so much and gone on later to pursue Ginny so vigorously to become my wife, I might soon be pope.
Had I stayed in the seminary, I probably wouldn't have had two daughters and three granddaughters. And a Grocery Store Bagger for a son-in-law, which goes to show you how blessed I am.
Had I become pope, I can guarantee you I would have allowed women to become priests.
As you can see, I think about being pope a lot.
Some people might consider the gospel according to Page 2 irreverent, but when you've come as close as I have to becoming the pope, how can anyone say such a thing?
I struggle with the idea of wearing red shoes as the pope does, but instead of begging for an audience with someone like Phil Jackson, it would have been nice to have him kiss my ring.
I probably wouldn't be writing for Page 2, which means many of you sinners wouldn't be so worried now about eternal hellfire for posting nasty messages below each column.
Had I become pope, anything that I would have written would have become an encyclical. And had you wanted to send along an encyclical message, you would probably have begun by writing, "Your Holiness."
Yes, my child, things could have been so different had I represented Los Angeles instead of Cardinal Mahony and I was the one asking questions and holding folks accountable.
I know this, Jim Mora wishes I were cardinal on my way to popedom.
So does my wife at times.
But somewhat surprisingly, things didn't always go well in the seminary. If you saw "Dead Poets Society," you got the seminary experience; our place was open like 100 years on the Notre Dame campus before we came along.
As a class of the '60s, we were not considered traditional enough. (It's a good thing I got that out of my system before writing for Page 2.) The clergy running the place thought they'd be better off without us and shut the seminary down. The dance arranged between seminarians and prospective nuns might have been the tipping point.
So I became a sportswriter, in my own way still listening to confessions and sermonizing — which brings me to Howard and Paul.
I have spent a lot of time with both.
There's no need to convert Paul, who is already a gung-ho Clipper to stay. And I don't believe Howard is a lost soul.
There is nothing another team can offer Paul the Clippers can't match or exceed, including money and his coach of choice.
As for Howard and all that's going to be written over the next few months about his future, hogwash.