Can he even get to first base?

I'm dating my chauffeur?!

No, Jamie. You're not dating your chauffeur. You're biding your time, waiting for Mr. Right.

The kind of guy who can stand up to Frank and say, yeah, tough guy, she went to Europe for 2 1/2 weeks in the middle of the pennant run and dropped a small fortune. But she was scouting French relief pitchers.

You know what really irks me, Jamie? The way you're having to beg for a few bucks when Frank's living a stratospheric lifestyle himself, throwing money around like hot dog wrappers.

The moron gave $45 million to Manny Ramirez for two years, and that loafer is poison in the clubhouse. Meanwhile, he lets Cleveland ace Cliff Lee get away to the Phillies, who pay him less than $6 million and end up in the World Series.

Ramirez was making $170,000 a game after his suspension, and Frank is giving you a hard time about a measly $487,634 a month?

How dare he!

As for the driver, I can give you another reason I'd make a better mate:

Not only can I drive you anywhere you want to go, but I could offer invaluable counsel on how to keep the media jackals at bay. And believe me, they're out there, waiting to pounce.

I'm going through the section of your court declaration titled "Our Marital Lifestyle," and I know the idea was to shoot for the moon as a starting point in divorce proceedings. But I see numerous places where you could have toned it down.

I mean, the details about the private jet vacation to Vietnam, the clothing by Valentino, Gucci and Prada, the eight full-time housekeepers and other assistants, and the dining at Spago, Toscana, Giorgio Baldi and Nobu are liable to end up in a newspaper column.

Here's an example of where you needed a good editor:

"We removed the tennis courts" at the $20-million Holmby Hills house "in order to build the indoor pool."

And here:

The $27-million Malibu beach house, as opposed to the $19-million Malibu beach house next door, "has a small pool, which is not suitable for long-distance swimming."

Some smart-aleck pundit is going to get hold of this stuff, Jamie, and the headline will say:

"Boo-Hoo."

Here's another place where you went too far:

"We always stay in suites where available at the nicest of accommodations, such as the Ritz Carlton and Four Seasons hotels."

Couldn't you have thrown in a Ramada or a Holiday Inn?

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