Big Sydney turns, faces the strange changes
Herald-Mail football prognosticator Big Sydney (September 5, 2012)
I have been using the same column logo for probably three decades.
I know that it’s probably a shock to most of you, especially since you don’t see any wrinkles in my brow. No botox for me ... My secret is I my trim my manscape with slabs of SPAM. That’s another column.
Anyway, I’ve been having a problem dealing with all the changes in the game I love.
Football is not what it used to be. Did I go into a Twinkie-induced coma and the sport got a new commissioner or something?
I see what’s going on these days and wonder if the sport is now run by Lou Scally and Emily Post (I always heard rumors about those two).
Scally has to be the mastermind of a scheme to change football forever. Have you noticed lately that every time he predicts rain on a Friday, games automatically get called off?
Last week, I planned to emerge from the tunnel of my Dargan prognosticating palace — known in some circles as the Fat Cave — and cruise over to Boonsboro for the Warriors’ game with Clear Spring.
It was postponed because of the rain.
Because of rain!?! Holy Nitschke!
Whatever happened to the “frozen tundra” I grew up with?
All of a sudden football has etiquette.
Don’t hit the quarterback too hard.
Please keep your hands off of recievers. I think that’s either a penalty or considered grounds for sexual harrasment now.
Don’t run the score up. You don’t want to hurt any feelings.
Try not to put any hard hits or blocks on any opponent. Instead, politely ask him if he will fall down and get out of the way.
Centers, please snap the ball with a pinkie out.
No taunting. Just say “thank you” after fumbles and interceptions.
Even the officials have changed. Notice they wear black pants now? That’s because it’s a fashion faux pas to wear white pants after Labor Day.