The moutzes of September are already flying as high as Raytheon stock while President Barack Obama considers sending Tomahawk cruise missiles toward Syria, at a reported cost of about a million dollars apiece.
Yet there's one little problem with the Moutza of the Month.
What the heck happened to the grand moutza of August? We're already into September.
Yes, I missed the August deadline. Many of you know why. I'd been on staycation, which for me involved sleeping late, barbecuing at odd hours, reading picaresque novels of another age without interruption, enjoying soccer, drinking cans of Hamm's and fine-tuning an August art form: the ultimate bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.
One night I pulled an all-nighter watching James Burke's excellent documentary series "The Day the Universe Changed" on a laptop on my deck.
Yet before returning to work, I put out a general Moutza call on Facebook. And I received a full frontal for my pains.
Reader John K. nominated "John Kass, for working on his staycation! Nahhhh!"
August was one of the finest Moutza crops seen in lo these many years. Several judges, a Democratic mayor of San Diego waging a war against women and the former Hannah Montana were among those fighting for the prize.
Pardon my moutza? Hitler didn't use chemicals on innocent people? Really?
"I nominate Chris Matthews for saying not even Hitler used chemical weapons," wrote reader Avy M. on Facebook. "Does he think the gas chambers were green technology?"
These candidates and more could have received the ancient curse of contempt of my grandfathers, including Nabisco for allegedly shorting us on Double Stuf Oreos.
You need fingers to properly dunk a Double Stuf Oreo into milk, and you also need fingers to give a proper moutza: The palm open, fingers spread, thrust at the target, a hearty shout of "Nah!" or "Here, take five" or my favorite, "Feesa etho" (Blow right here).
Adam W. of Wheaton said I deserved the Moutza of the Month for disrespecting his wife's favorite poultry dish.
"You, (receive a moutza) for stating that chicken feet wouldn't be good to eat," wrote Adam W. "My wife grew up in China and introduced me to eating chicken feet at dim sum. They are her favorite dish. Granted, I am not a huge fan of them, but they are not too bad. As any married man knows, the wife knows best."
Adam W. sought to soften his moutza by also nominating an insect, specifically the Eastern cicada killer wasp, as detailed in a Tribune article. Why?
The female wasp stings a hapless cicada to paralyze it before taking it to a hole in the ground and burying it alive. Then she deposits her eggs into the poor creature so that her babies may feast on fresh cicada meat.
The young must receive nourishment. And nature is pitiless, indeed.
"After reading this, I imagine this is what (Illinois House Speaker Boss) Madigan and his Springfield buddies do to us Illinois taxpayers," writes Adam W.
They sting us. They lay their eggs. And their young grow strong and powerful.
Many others nominated former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr., D-Stuffed Elk Heads.
Federal Judge Amy Berman Jackson (no relation) gave him a light sentence after he admitted stealing $750,000 in campaign contributions and spending it all on stupid junk, including the famed elk heads.
"That judge that gave Jesse Jr. a slap on the wrist," wrote Joe T., in nominating Judge Jackson.
An honest thief would do serious time for stealing three-quarters of a million dollars. But thanks to Judge Jackson, he received less than the recommended sentence, and will be out in just over two years.
Just the other day, WLS-TV investigative reporter Chuck Goudie caught Jackson preparing for his prison ordeal by lounging poolside at the Beverly Hills Hilton.
Judge Jackson, this moutza doesn't come from me — it comes from Jesse Jr., relaxing in his lounge chair. This one's for you:
"The judge in Montana who gave the ridiculously light sentence to the rapist of a 14-year-old girl," wrote Una G.
The girl committed suicide. The man who had sex with her, her high school teacher, a man in his 50s, received a 31-day sentence from state District Judge G. Todd Baugh.
Judge Baugh, please blow on this for the rest of your natural life, and then some.
"Rahm Emanuel," wrote reader Marty K. of the mayor of Chicago, "just because."
But the mayor had the brains to give aid and comfort to a bicyclist who crashed on Milwaukee Avenue. Reporters instantly learned of the mayor's great compassion.
Marty, you can't give a moutza to a compassionate Rahm Emanuel "just because."
Which brings us to Chris Matthews.
According to a Real Clear Politics transcript of a broadcast, he said:
"First of all I'm rather dovish, I don't like what I'm going to say but it's true. If you basically put down a red line and say don't use chemical weapons, and it's been enforced in the Western community, around the world — international community for decades. Don't use chemical weapons. We didn't use them in World War II, Hitler didn't use them, we don't use chemical weapons, that's no deal."
Chris, when you play the Hitler card, please remember that pro-Obama leg tingling is no excuse.
Remember, too, that you win the August Moutza of the Month.
And while you're blowing on that one, please have another.