August 1, 2013
Is New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner too perverted to appreciate receiving the coveted Moutza of the Month for July?
Or is that Nah?
Here's the thing. The moutza is all about helping us register contempt for a jerk — the person who cut you off in traffic, the politician who just raised your taxes, and so on — without including any sexual insult.
The American middle finger is sexually threatening. The Greek moutza has no sex in it.
And Anthony Weiner?
"Well, if you think about it," writes moutza nominator Tas C., "Weiner might actually enjoy the moutza."
And there's the rub.
Readers have nominated many others, high and low. Notorious race hustlers Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson were nominated. The news media also was nominated for its coverage of the George Zimmerman trial.
And Geraldo Rivera was suggested as a candidate for taking a half-naked selfie.
Nah! Nah! Nah! And Geraldo, take a double moutza. Nah! And Nah!
Royal baby haters were nominated too, for their animosity toward an innocent baby in England. Meanwhile, Chicago is overrun by our own royal babies who are handed high political office.
One is new Ald. Deborah Mell, 33rd — the Debonheiress of Mellatonia — so named because she was crowned alderman by Mayor Rahm Emanuel at the insistence of her father, North Side ward boss Dick Mell.
What's worse, sexting yourself as a potential mayor of New York, or installing royal political child after royal political child into public office in Chicago?
Even a crusty but benign Chicago newspaper columnist was nominated. Twice.
"I have to give you a Nah because you misspell it," insisted reader Al C. "You spell it moutza. But I say it's mountza. Even your priest says so. So Nah!"
Sorry, Al. Spelling is elusive in a foreign alphabet, and your version would cause people to pronounce it as "Mound-zah!" — evocative of a coconut-filled candy bar, rather than a sexless curse of utter contempt.
"Mr. Kass, I'll jump the gun here and put you in for the July Moutza of the Month," writes Bruce H. "I'm giving it to you for your refusal to give President Barack Obama the moutza. You'll also be my moutza nominee for August. Let's face it, you're not going to hold Obama responsible."
But he's the president. I can't moutza the president. Have you no respect for the office?
Susan B. on Facebook nominates Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin. Huma also works closely with former Secretary of State Hillary "What Difference Does It Make?" Clinton.
"Huma put herself in play the minute she stepped up to the microphone at the press conference," Susan wrote. "His total lack of judgment was no longer between them only. She made this part of the 'public' package. This is the guy she wants to place in a position of power? Because he's smart?"
No, because if he were elected, she would be Mrs. Goodwife Mayor of New York.
Get ready. Nah!
"I think it's funny that anyone from Illinois criticizes New Yorkers that would vote for Weiner," writes Mary M. "Illinois residents have such a great track record at electing honest, fair politicians. One big moutza to Illinois."
While we debate whether sexting in New York is as bad as electing crooked politicians in Chicago, consider a family with New York and Chicago connections. The Clintons.
Bill and Hillary are now reportedly angry about the perceived parallels between them and Weiner and his wife. They're said to be so furious that Huma has been sent away from Hillary's side.
Hillary? Bill? You don't like the comparisons with the Weiners? Excuse me?
Mina K. says: "Two-handed moutza for the Mells, a standing moutza for Rahm for totally screwing up Dearborn Street from Polk to Chicago Avenue with the bike lanes and cars ... so that Dearborn becomes one lane if someone would like to pull in or out of a parking spot. Great during rush hour and when Columbus and other streets are closed for festivals."
But Rahm won the moutza last month for saying Bobby Hull was in heaven and looking down fondly on the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup victory. So the mayor is safe on a technicality — he can't win the moutza twice in a row — even though he should be a candidate because of his unforgettable pelvic thrusting dance caught on video at the Robin Thicke concert.
Reader Kevin B. nominates the Metra board chairman at the center of the $700,000 hush money scandal, the same chairman who insisted his name wasn't in the secret tell-all memo, although it was in the memo more than 20 times.
"Brad O'Halloran — my name's not mentioned in the memo. Oh? That memo?" writes Kev.
O'Halloran? Here are 700,000 moutzes. Blow on them.
The Illinois General Assembly deserves at least 30 years of moutzes for doing nothing about the state pension mess that costs taxpayers millions of dollars a day.
But they want to get paid.
So here's the formula: Nah! x 30 years x $100 billion in unfunded state pension liability.
"How about giving a moutza to the N.Y. voters who want to keep Weiner in the race?" argues Rennie H.
"And everyone in New York who votes for him," said Brendan J.
New York is a great city. But it's also the city that gave Weiner a second chance, after he'd already been revealed as a serial sexter.
A second chance? You can't take that one back. Oh, New York.
The city that never sleeps wins the Moutza of the Month for July, just for having that creepy Weiner in your town.
It's up to you, Nah York, Nah York.
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