Who dares try to slay the Golden Jet? Nah!

On the Fourth, let's remember our Founding Fathers' great Moutza to a king

Our Founding Fathers would have loved the Moutza of the Month.

They fought a powerful king and his great armies, and they revered the ancient Greeks. One of the founders had a special credo, perhaps the best one ever, one that Americans should remember: Live Free or Die.

And those of us who give the open hand of the Moutza to the powerful and the stupid are a people who are still free.

We live free and we Moutza. Our forefathers would be quite proud.


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So let's award the Moutza of the Month for June.

Extend your palm, or palms, in the ancient fashion. Thrust those naked palms at the offender. Say the magic words: "Nah!" and "Feesa etho" (blow right here).

In Japan, middle-schoolers tried to win it by licking eyeballs. In Chicago, a mayor all but killed (albeit metaphorically) the greatest hockey player in our city's history.

On Facebook, where Moutza of the Month nominations are often posted, reader Paul K. nominated perhaps the creepiest Hollywood actor.

"Michael Douglas, for telling us more about his sex life than we need to know."

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel eagerly extended his 9.5 fingers in reaching for the Moutza of the Month right after the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup.

"I grew up in the Stan Mikita-Bobby Hull era," Emanuel said on WMVP-AM 1000. "And I think, you know, Bobby's looking down on this team with great admiration."

Bobby Hull looking down? Mayor Rahmfather, Bobby Hull ain't dead. And our hands are very much alive:

Nah!

"Paula Deen, hands down, for ending her Matt Lauer interview with 'I is what I is,'" insisted reader Emil S.

Let others debate whether there is a statute of limitations on Deen's white racist speech of decades ago. What kills me is that it was only a matter of time until those two comic race hustlers, the Rev. Al "Tawana Brawley" Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse "King of Beers" Jackson, were drawn to Deen.

Three Moutzes waiting. And please, don't try talking to the hand. It doesn't have ears to hear.

Nah! Nah! Nah!

Meanwhile, IRS agents obviously became bored with harassing libertarians and conservatives, so they used their government credit cards for porn, wine, massages and other treats.

Reader Steve B. wants President Barack Obama to get a Moutza (but I refuse to Moutza the president) and the White House and IRS for "trying to spin the fact that liberal groups were being flagged as much as conservative groups."

Let's remove Obama from the equation and line up the IRS and the political hacks. Groups on the left weren't hounded as fiercely as were those on the right. IRS bosses admitted this.

Nah! Take five. Nah! Take 10. And blow right here.

Nah!

Meanwhile, Congress reached for the Moutza by spending a reported $2 million for fancy breakfasts on our dime.

They have their conferences with lavish spreads, buttery rolls, savory cheeses, fruit plates, pastries. Can't congressmen buy their own breakfasts?

The least they could have done was to wear togas.

Nah!

And what of those perverted eyeball-licking weirdo kids of Japan?

When a Japanese website reported the phenomenon — an act guaranteed to spread conjunctivitis through the application of mouth bacteria — the news triggered worldwide nausea.

I heard about it just as I tried to bite into a twice-toasted all-everything bagel with scallions and cream cheese that I paid for.

"Do you want to see a picture of this eyeball licking?" asked my friend Old School.

No!

When I regained consciousness, I remembered that the Japanese are so clean, they remove their shoes when they enter a home. They are perhaps the most pathologically clean people on the planet.

But once the eyeball-licking craze spread, so did another phenomenon: Kids with black eye patches at school.

Japanese kid eyeball-lickers? You shamed your parents.

Nah!

And another Moutza for the British fellow who called the cops to complain that the hooker wasn't pretty enough.

The man called police near Birmingham England, in a fit, outraged that the prostitute violated the Sale of Goods Act, which stipulates that goods for sale must match the seller's description.

The man said the woman "misrepresented herself" as attractive, and when he found she was not, he declined to pay.

"She was angry. She thinks I owe her a living or something."

OK, yes, sure, of course, but here's another thing you might wish to consider:

Nah!

Another for the Indian airline that wants to hire only skinny female flight attendants to save fuel.

Nah!

And the scientists who spent time studying if the shape of a woman's head can predict the quality of her relationships.

Nah!

Just before I sat down to write this, I ran into Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz and asked him about Mayor Rahmfather saying that Bobby Hull was dead.

"I think the mayor thought he was looking down from the skyboxes," Wirtz said. "I really think you should give the mayor a break on this one."

Rocky? I really want to. And just for you, I would.

Once I wrote that George McGovern died, though he was very much alive. McGovern graciously forgave me. And so I, too, forgive the Rahmfather.

But a liberal senator is not the Golden Jet.

Bobby Hull is alive, Mayor Emanuel! He's alive! He's alive!

And so you must accept June's Moutza of the Month.

Don't be bashful. Here, take it.

Nah!

And have a Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

We're free people. We can Moutza.

jskass@tribune.com

Twitter @John_Kass

 

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