The second season of the critically tolerated (no, seriously) HBO comedy-drama series "Ballers" returned Sunday night, and with it everyone's favorite football star-turned-Hollywood leading man.
We're talking, of course, about Terrell Suggs.
After an all-too-brief cameo in the first season, the Ravens linebacker shows up onscreen less than 200 seconds into the episode (or, in HBO terms, just one swear word and one revealing bikini). He's the star client of Andre Allen, who, we learn, is the former financial manager of ex-NFL linebacker and, more recently, money man Spencer Strasmore (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson).
These two big dudes do not like each other, apparently. We can see it on Strasmore's face when Suggs makes his grand entrance (more on that in a bit). And we can see it in Suggs' script notes, obtained exclusively by The Baltimore Sun.
[Suggs pulls into a party on a scooter, rubs his chin and looks menacing. He does not speak.]
"I'm definitely the first guy to ever roll up to an HBO set on a gold-plated scooter."
[Suggs scooters into a TV interview with Strasmore, his business partner and Jay Glazer.]
Suggs: "Calm down, Joe. Ain't gonna be no stripping here today."
"Spencer Strasmore, the protagonist, has just made a joke about strippergrams. His partner, Joe Krotel, facetiously hoped it was a Ray Lewis strippergram. I am not a stripper, nor do I have strippergrams. I am a football player. I must make that clear."
[An argument begins.]
Suggs: "Truth be told, I wouldn't even have a problem with you if you didn't post that [stuff] on Twitter back in the day."
Strasmore: "No, no, that was a complete accident. Twitter was new at that time. I was just getting the hang of it. Plus, I got these big-ass thumbs."
Suggs: "You posted some asinine [stuff] about me being more concerned with my stats than I was winning."
"So I'm on this new show, 'Glazed and Confused.' It's basically 'Meet the Press,' but for football players. And I don't have to wear a suit. And my entourage can hang out just offstage. And it's on live in ... Miami, for some reason? Anyway, if I can't clear my name now, then when? I have relationships with scooter companies to protect."
[The argument escalates.]
Strasmore: "Wow, overrated? I'm an [expletive]?"
Suggs: "Over-[bleeping]-rated. You need to turn your [bleeping] hearing aid up or come closer so I can speak it to you clearly."
Strasmore: "I'll be happy to come closer. ... You know it's not the time or the place."
Suggs: "It is the time and the place." [Shoves Strasmore]
"Pretend he's Tom Brady."
[Suggs throws Strasmore to the ground, where they struggle.]
"REALLY PRETEND HE'S TOM BRADY."
[Suggs appears at a party attended by Strasmore, who approaches him.]
Strasmore: "I just came over here to tell you, man to man, we're one and the same. Why don't we bury this and just move on?"
Suggs: "[Expletive] it, man. We good."
"THIS IS YOUR EMMY MOMENT, SIZZ. The best characters are not static, like Joe Flacco, but dynamic, like Terrell Suggs. Ask yourself: What would a 'Game of Thrones' character do? You don't have a dragon. You're going to have to look deep within yourself and find the courage to forgive. Make peace, not war. Plus, if you screw this up, you're not going to be asked back, and then who's going to expense all this Diamondbacks swag?"
Good news, Ravens fans. Bad news, other, lesser Emmy contenders. Suggs is coming back for a second episode. Ball so hard, world.