- "I will answer any of your questions -- not necessarily honestly."
- On his new book ("reasonably priced, available on September the 22nd"): "It's an autobiography and I'm looking forward to reading it... I hear it's great! A lot of it I just couldn't remember so I made it up -- but I admitted that right away."
- On Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "He didn't win - either in my puppet show or in Iran."
- "That's why I never would Twitter -- I have an hour to fill every f*ing night, what else would I say? 'Going to say things tonight!'"
- On the most interesting thing on his show tending to be the mistakes: "I am my own blooper reel."
- On his ambitions as a child: "I half expected doing something in show business because it was tolerant of drunkenness and you could meet girls. Now I'm married and a teetotaler, but I'm still here."
- On whether audiences seem to be well-informed: "The audience I see at night, the one in the studio, they seem to know as much as I do, but they may just be laughing so I don't look awkward."
- On whether he watches his late-night competitors: "I don't watch the other late- night shows. I have a child and a TiVo. I see' Duck Dodgers' and 'Mythbusters' because I've got an 8-year-old son."
- On Jimmy Kimmel: "I never thought we were in competition. Jimmy's competition is Adult Swim. My competition is sleep or the ShamWow commercial."
- On ratings: "All ratings stop at [age] 49. I'm 47, so in two years, I'm f*ed? F* you!"
- On best and worst guests. "Betty White is my favorite guest. My least favorite guest is an actor who I'm not going to name, because f* him."
- On David Letterman: "David Letterman is more than my boss. David Letterman, no matter what the numbers have ever been, ever, is king of late-night television."
- On his relationship with David Letterman: "I sit at the feet of the master, or in, in the modern parlance, I am his biyotch."
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