Become a digitalPLUS subscriber. 99¢ for 4 weeks.

Boredom in the bedroom can lead to bigger problems

Advice Columns and ColumnistsRuth WestheimerSex

Q: I have been in a relationship with the man I love for four years. At this point in our relationship, the sex has become somewhat boring, partially because I am tired whenever he wants to and also because during the act my mind drifts off to other things, like chores that need to be done and how I am going to lose weight.

I feel like the passion or something in our sex life is missing. I also feel like the sex coming from me is boring and I can't please him the way he needs to be pleased. What should I do?

A: Fighting boredom is important, though I wonder if boredom is the only thing wrong here.

Is your relationship really in tiptop shape, or might you be harboring some little (or big) grudges against him that are keeping you from becoming sufficiently aroused? If you have been arguing recently about this and that, see if making peace over those issues helps matters. He may need to be a bit more romantic so that you begin the arousal process before you two get into bed.

Make whatever small adjustments you both can so that this problem doesn't grow bigger and bigger.

Q: I have been with my girlfriend for 3-1/2 years now. I am 27, and she is 24. Our relationship is great at the base, but I feel like something is missing. I have been sexually active before, but my girlfriend is still a virgin, and although she says that she wants me to be her first and that she is ready to have sexual intercourse with me, when we try she says it gets really sore, and she completely tenses up, unable to relax.

I obviously don't want to pressure her into anything, but she says she is ready.

When I try to bring up the problem and ask her about it and communicate, she says she does not know why it happens and then shuts me out, not wanting to talk about it. I have tried everything I know, with no success, and it is really starting to concern me. Please help!

A: If you had said you'd been together 3-1/2 months, I might have told you to have more patience, but 3 1/2 years is another matter. Do you give each other sexual satisfaction in other ways? If you are quite intimate already, and you are using a method of contraception that you both are very confident in, then I would suggest first that you try using some artificial lubrication, and if that doesn't work, then she should see a counselor.

If she is so tense that she cannot control her vaginal muscles and they are tightening up involuntarily, making sex impossible, then this needs to be treated by a professional. After a therapist has spoken to both of you, hopefully it will be possible to get her to learn to relax.

I'm not saying she should have intercourse with you if she's not ready, but if she really does want to and can't, then she needs professional help.

Q: I have become a widow and recently found an old boyfriend on the computer. We have started chatting online, and he came out to visit me for a weekend. We live in different states about five hours away.

We have seen each other four weekends in the past six months. We have had a great time together. The last time I spent a weekend at his place, I felt that toward the end of the weekend he was pushing me away. He complained that I text him too much, so I've lain low, and he is texting me more.

I don't know whether to pursue this or give up. He has never married. I feel he is running scared, worried that I'm looking for a husband. I've told him I'm not. I do care for him, and he told me the last weekend we were together that he cares for me.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm too old to play games.

A: What you should do depends on what you want from a relationship. If he's still single, he will never marry you. So the best that you can hope for from this man is a limited, long-distance relationship.

But if your emotions are tied up with him, you probably won't find another man who would be willing to be in a close relationship with you. Now, perhaps that is OK with you, though if it were, you probably wouldn't have written to me.

So it seems that you should stop seeing him and should concentrate your efforts on finding someone closer to home who will give you what you really want. But in the end, only you can decide what that is.

"Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is among Dr. Ruth Westheimer's most popular books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at

Distributed by King Features Syndicate

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
Related Content
Advice Columns and ColumnistsRuth WestheimerSex