Q: My boyfriend is always satisfied when we have sex, but the truth is he's satisfied so quickly that I usually end up doing without and staying frustrated. I'm 40, and after an emergency hysterectomy I feel I'm finally able to enjoy sex more. He is 45.
I'm highly attracted to him, yet he ignores me. Shouldn't he still do what he can to make sure I'm pleased and orgasm too? Is this a "him" problem or a "me" problem? He has never been married. I've been married twice. Am I expecting too much from him? I'm feeling very frustrated and am starting to get a bit resentful that he doesn't seem to care enough.
A: Let me start by saying sex doesn't happen the way it does in the movies. The actors portraying Superman can't really fly, and most women don't have orgasms merely by engaging in sex in the missionary position. Once you realize that, it becomes apparent that there are many, many ways for two people to have sex.
The goal is for both to attain sexual satisfaction, but it doesn't matter how you get there. So if he ejaculates too quickly, he should then do whatever you need to have an orgasm, if not with his penis, then in other ways.
If he is no longer interested in continuing to have sex after he has ejaculated, then he should make sure you have an orgasm before he does, and if he can't last during intercourse, then he should use his fingers, his mouth or a vibrator to give you the stimulation you need.
You two can work this out if you're both willing to talk about it and figure out what works best for you. Again, your sex life probably won't resemble what you see on screen, but who cares, as long as it is satisfying to the two of you?
Q: In the past few years, my wife's and my sex life has slowed way down, dramatically. She was around 30 at the time. We have been together for more than 17 years. We have two children together. Is it possible for her vagina to become larger, inside and out — both look and feel? I have been through several bodily changes with her. Are these changes normal, with only one partner? Or should I be worried about something else?
A: A woman's vagina can be stretched from childbirth to a point where it doesn't go back to its original size, though whether that is the case in your situation is something only her gynecologist could answer. But if your sex life is heading in the wrong direction, that wouldn't be directly related to the size of her genitals.
It's more likely that the problem is psychological, not physical. Your relationship may need some sprucing up, or perhaps she's very busy working and taking care of children. I can't guess, but you know her pretty well, so what would you say the real problem is?
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We are trying to wait until marriage to have sex. I'm a virgin. About eight days after my last period, we were fooling around, and it felt like he entered me a little. My question: Can I get pregnant? I'm in a lot of suspense since we are not ready for a pregnancy. What are the statistics of pregnancies occurring this way?
A: Statistics, schmatistics — if you can become pregnant in this way and you don't want to, then don't take the risk. I don't know why you're waiting so long to get married, unless you're still very young, but either you two need to be more careful or you should start using birth control so that if another such incident occurs, you'll be protected.
Q: I am 27 years old, and I and have never been able to have a G-spot orgasm by intercourse. I didn't even think that I could have a G-spot orgasm until my boyfriend helped me have one by with a vibrator. I've only been able to have them when he is using a vibrator on me. I can't seem to have one from just having sex, and I would really love to. How can I have a G-spot orgasm by just us having sex?
A: Vibrators generally cause orgasms by being applied to and around the clitoris. Is that what you are talking about, or do you already have clitoral orgasms and your boyfriend used the vibrator inside your vagina, where the G spot supposedly is? If it's the latter, the obvious answer is that your G spot, assuming you have one, needs strong sensations to be sufficiently stimulated to cause an orgasm. But there is no scientific proof that there is such a piece of a woman's anatomy as the G spot, so I can't give you any hard-and-fast rules, as there are none. The one thing I can tell you is not to get frustrated by this, because certainly most women don't have a G spot and so don't experience these orgasms.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer is the author of "Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50" (Quill Driver Books) and "Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books). Write to her at drruth.com.
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