Even though Jay Cutler won't see more than a handful of snaps Friday against Philadelphia, the 2014 preseason opener marks an official start of sorts to the quarterback's new relationship with Chicago. That, of course, is the one that began with the seven-year, $126.7 million contract he signed this winter.
Because Bears fans and Cutler are stuck with each other for the long haul, it's important to get off on the right foot. To that end, RedEye proposes that Bears fans forgive all previous indiscretions—i.e. costly turnovers—if Cutler delivers a Super Bowl title to Chicago.
To show how serious this is, we've drafted another contract for Cutler, henceforth identified as Quarterback for the purposes of this agreement.
Quarterback shall personally fine Martellus Bennett each time he slams a teammate to the ground. The fine is doubled if said slam is applied to Brandon Marshall. (Nobody messes with B-Marsh!) All proceeds shall go to a charity of Quarterback's choice.
Quarterback shall smile at least twice per week in the presence of cameras. '80s-themed charity events don't count.
Quarterback shall not give his best Grumpy Cat face during press conferences.
Quarterback shall treat the new second-string quarterback, whoever that may be, at least as well as he did Josh McCown. Whatever went on there, it worked.
Quarterback shall show Josh McCown and Lovie Smith no mercy on the scoreboard when the Bears play Tampa Bay on Nov. 23. Even if their parents are watching.
Quarterback shall uphold the separation of church, sports and reality TV wives.
Quarterback shall throw to a receiver other than Brandon Marshall at least several times per game. Like, five.
Quarterback shall abstain from cheese during Packers Week. Any other dairy products consumed during that time must not have green or yellow on the label.
Quarterback shall dress his sons in his No. 6 Bears jersey and Instagram the hell out of said photos. If Quarterback is unable, he may have Mrs. Quarterback or another relative do so in his stead.
If Quarterback and Brian Urlacher are in the same city, both parties shall maintain a distance of 100 yards or far enough to avoid unfriendly gazes, whichever is greater.