It was only natural after Vin left "Jersey Shore" that Pauly D. head out to a club to meet the rest of the gang and tell them the news. Everyone is surprised Vinny took all his stuff, and Deena sobs into her moustache, saying, "I love him."
That's when Mama JWoww lays the smack down and helps the drunk troll compose herself in the bathroom. G-Yanni asks Snooki if she loves Vinny, and Sam and Ron are quiet, just as they're instructed to be by the show's producers.
The next morning, everyone’s still talking about Vinny, like he died or something. Deena and Snooki decide to get black-out drunk and have a meatball day for Vinny. So, they throw on their furry boots and squeeze into their dresses like they’re stuffing a sausage casing. The girls head down to the boardwalk to get “wastey pants,” spending the day binge drinking and hanging out with groupies who end up carrying Snooki around Seaside ala “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
They somehow make it back to the house and Deena is in crisis mode. Her hair extensions have gotten so sweaty and tangled in her real hair that she is near tears talking about losing her identity (identity=hair extensions). Mama JWoww comes to the rescue in a bra, doing what all moms would do in a situation—simultaneously helping and lecturing her. After a deep condition, all is right in Deena’s world.
Everyone heads to Karma that night, to pay tribute to dead Vinny. Ron rocks skinny jeans for Vinny, JWoww wears Deena’s extensions as earrings. Special guests G-Yanni and a topless Unit were there to party with the group, and that’s when the Situation starts plotting his revenge against Snooki, that he will gym, tan, tell the truth about their hookup while she and G-Yanni were dating. But that never happens. Surprise.
Meanwhile, Pauly is looking for his way to pay tribute to dead Vinny, so he brings home a DTF who is just Vinny’s type: a tattooed cougar. After a smush, Pauly’s sending the DTF home in a cab and before we know it, the gang is back out the next night at Aztec.
Everything is in place: Deena’s showing her cookah on the bar, the Situation is passing Pauly the birthday gift of a Bosnian girl he no longer wants because his #1 DTF Paula is there. In a bikini. As an outfit. Back at the house, the Bosnian is not DTF for Pauly, so he gives her the ultimatum of a cab or bed. The Situation is singing Paula’s praises, comparing her to Triple A—always there when you need her. He even mentions that he could get wifed up with Paula someday.
The next morning, Pauly gets a shock at the house when his entire family shows up to surprise him with a birthday gift—bringing his barber in for a fresh haircut.
Coincidentally, it’s also the Situation’s 45th birthday, and the entire Pauly D. family, plus Ron and Situation, head out to Rivoli’s (a favorite Italian restaurant of the cast), that notoriously serves the most oversized portions you will ever see.
That’s when the Situation’s true colors begin to show—and he throws a temper tantrum that it’s someone else’s birthday and he’s not getting any cakes or family visits or acknowledgement. Because everyone hates him.
I’m going to go out on a limb and credit this temper tantrum to a deep homosexual panic—that, or, you know, “anxiety.” Cut to the chase: He throws a bitch fit and does the dip out of the shore house, and everyone starts dramatically saying, “We’re down to six.”
All I can think at this point is, “Man, I really wish I could go to Rivoli’s. Did you see the size of the manigot?”Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun