Reading glasses should become part of my nightly cream and ointment regimen

Years ago, I was on a business trip and noticed an itchy foot rash when I got out of the shower. With no extra time to find a store and purchase an anti-itch cream, I had to improvise. Much to my horror, the only cream I had with me was Preparation-H. I had no alternative, but to use it on my foot. To my complete surprise, it worked like a charm and it's been my go-to cream happily ever after. While always a strong contender, my go-to cream doesn't always do the trick and I have to succumb to the professionals for help.

Recently I had an itch that would not go away. The itch turned into a rash and I went to my dermatologist. The doc prescribed a cream and the rash disappeared within days.

My lips got really chapped and looked red and blotchy. How attractive! Initially I decided to take healing into my own hands by using the itch cream on my lips. Please note that I did not use Preparation-H cream on my lips. Even I have my limits, although I'm sure it would have worked wonders as long as I didn't eat it. When the prescription cream didn't work, I acquiesced and returned to my doctor. I felt like a regular in his office as of late.

Without skipping a beat, the doctor told me that the first anti-itch cream was too strong for my lips and I shouldn't use that medication. I have no idea how he even knew I tried that cream, but perhaps it left some kind of residue on my lips. Maybe my 15-year old son Alex taped a sign to my back that said "Unauthorized to make medical decisions about various creams. Ask my mom about her obsession with Preparation-H."

Back to the pharmacist I went, but this time an ointment was prescribed. I've started to amass a small prescription cream collection. All I need is a salve and I'll have a trifecta.

Unrelated to itching, I had gone to my dermatologist for anti-wrinkle cream, which I used to use regularly, but it only dried out my skin. It didn't remove my wrinkles.

The other day I noticed that I was itching and that the rash was returning, so I grabbed the cream and applied it. The first time I used the cream it started working right away. This time, it wasn't working at all. On the third evening, with no relief in sight, I noticed that my lips were looking rather blotchy, so I thought I would start using the lip ointment again. It was at that moment that I reached for what I thought was the anti-itch cream only to realize I had been applying the anti-wrinkle cream to my rash. No wonder my skin looked so soft and supple. Unfortunately the supple-and-smoother-me was still just as itchy. If only the anti-wrinkle cream had worked as well on my face as it did on my body.

So I thought perhaps it would be a good idea to use my reading glasses to actually look at which cream I was applying where. I then thought about moving my clutter of creams out of my medicine cabinet and into a basket so I can display these skin remedies proudly as the itchy, blotchy, wrinkled woman that I am becoming. Women display their perfumes and knick-knacks; I could display my salves and ointments. Instead of having a potpourri basket in the bathroom, I've got a bunch of tubes. It takes me forever to get ready for bed every evening because I'm so busy slathering up.

I have come to the conclusion that this is all a part of the aging process. When I complain to my mom, she reminds me that growing old is far better than the alternative. To which I respond, "Do you mean finding the Fountain of Youth? And she answers, "No, not that alternative."

Regardless of what cream or ointment I may need to use on any given day, I've always got my go-to cream at the ready. Hey, I've got an idea… I could use Preparation-H on my facial wrinkles! By golly; I think I'm onto something. Perhaps that is my answer to the fountain of youth. I can shrink my wrinkles.

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