My New Year's resolution this year is to radically change my resolutions

After dutifully completing my list of New Year's resolutions, I realized it's the year to make radical changes to my resolutions. For example, rather than resolving to go on more date nights with hubby, I resolve to stay awake during them. When we have movie night, there may have been a few times, when I find myself awakened by John's snoring. He either needs to resolve to stop waking me during our date or I need to start wearing ear plugs.

Living with a teenager, I resolve to hold my tongue to prevent the verbal sparring that can occur. I'm not saying it does occur; I'm saying it can occur. So the next time one of these virtual sparring events starts to unfold, I am going to reach into my mouth with my fingers and hold my tongue. And these tete-a-tetes typically start with the word, "mom," so they can occur at any time and without warning. To keep the love alive, I will literally hold my tongue with my fingers in order to prevent myself from saying anything coherent.

Resolution No. 3 is to turn off the television before I fall asleep. I awaken in the middle of the night because I think it's time to get up and then I can't get back to sleep.

I resolve not to watch stupid television shows such as "American Idol" or "The Bachelor," which means I resolve not to watch 99 percent of what is on TV. I will use that extra time to hold my own tongue or start work on my biography. And I'm going to start my biography with, "Once upon a time … ."

I resolve to clean my tarnished silver jewelry with my old tooth brush and I resolve not to mix up my own tooth brush with my shiny new one. I resolve not to brush my teeth with silver tarnish polish, unless it removes my tooth tarnish.

Resolution No. 6: I resolve to stay more connected to my extended family. Or, if I like someone else's extended family better than my own, I resolve to stay more connected to theirs.

In addition to juicing regularly, I resolve to add healthy shakes into our diets. I resolve to ask hubby Johnny to be in charge of the healthy shakes because I'm the Juicing Queen and need to delegate this resolution.

I resolve to clean up the large pile of papers on my home office desk. This does not mean hiding the pile like I usually do, but organizing the projects or eliminating the papers. And once this is completed, I resolve to start working on the other piles once I find them all. I resolve to stop using sticky notes and just stick with the list. The sticky notes have gotten out of control and I need a list just to organize my sticky notes. No more sticky notes to self! I'll put that on a sticky note to remind myself.

Resolution No. 9: I resolve to have more fun at work. Better resolution: I'll win the lottery and that will certainly enable me to have more fun at work.

I resolve to pick up the doggy doodie out back regularly. Nothing more needs to be said about this little gem.

I resolve to work out daily. No wait, let me add that to someone else's resolution list. You take that one. I'll watch you work out.

I resolve to check my Facebook account every minute of every single day this year. I will add thousands of friends to my account — even people I don't even know.

I resolve to relearn Spanish because I have forgotten pretty much everything I learned. Better resolution: I will make up my own language and practice it regularly.

And finally, I resolve to blame Mojo, our wonder-dog for all gaseous sounds and smells — smells that I can't smell, but hubby swears he can smell — that may possibly emanate from me. I resolve to pay Mojo off in doggie treats to keep her quiet.

And with that more realistic list, I am off to tarnish my teeth. Happy New Year!

Copyright © 2018, The Baltimore Sun, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Place an Ad