'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the sports world,
Santa was nervous as rampant rumors swirled.
As his many admirers lit up their favorite Christmas candle,
Poor Santa Claus' world was enveloped by scandal.
While the children were nestled all snugly in their beds,
Santa's reputation was being ripped all to shreds.
His world was crumbling; the prospects were grim,
Everywhere he turned, the tabloids badgered him.
He was all over the newspaper, Internet and TV,
On the front page of the Enquirer and that dirty TMZ.
The North Pole Police made sure he was protected from the laws,
But the online Daily Beast reported he was cheating on Mrs. Claus.
It started on Thanksgiving when he came home from the pub,
And Mrs. Claus met him at the front door with a club.
"Hey, Sweetie Pie," he cooed, "you're sure lookin' good,"
Then she whacked him in the teeth with a Big Bertha wood.
She chased him from the house like a furious cyclone,
And screamed, "Who're all these women programmed into your cell phone?"
Santa jumped on his sleigh; he was trying to flee,
But he ran poor Rudolph into his neighbor's Magnolia tree.
Nancy Grace no longer thought Santa was so jolly,
She lambasted him for sleeping with Jaimee, Rachel and Holly.
She even claimed Santa cheated on his poor, loving spouse,
With a waitress who worked at the North Pole Waffle House.
This was only the beginning of Santa's many woes,
One female elf even took his picture without clothes.
An angry Mrs. Claus wanted badly to split up,
And Santa tried to console her with renegotiated pre-nup.
It didn't help that Santa's elves were also mad and bitter,
And this became public by a random toyshop Twitter.
The star elf named Dwight, whose talent was quite huge,
Complained about the chief elf … one Stanley Van Scrooge.
"He's too mean and negative," it said in the Tweet,
"He needs to be more kind, more gentle and sweet."
Van Scrooge fired back, "My negativity is causative,"
"If you guys worked harder, then I'd gladly be positive."
All of this commotion caused the workshop to divide,
Except for one elf, who sat in the corner and cried.
The tears rolled down his cheeks like a raging river's flow,
He was an emotional one … was Elf Timmy Tebow.
Timmy cried during good times and he cried during bad,
He cried when he was happy and he cried when he was sad.
This was the year Timmy hoped to win a second Heisman,
He didn't accomplish that goal, but he did win his first Cries-man.
Yes, Santa's workshop world was utterly in shambles,
He'd been far too reckless, taken too many gambles.
Companies pulled their sponsorships faster than Flash Gordon,
They acted like adidas after UCF signed Marcus Jordan.
Wouldn't you think Santa had built up some good will?
With all the letters he answered and stockings he filled?
He built the holiday season into what it has become,
Who else could conjure visions of a dancing sugarplum?
But up in executive boardroom there arose such a clatter,
So Santa went up to see what was the matter.
He found the elf boosters had turned into a mob,
As they griped and groused about axing Santa's job.
They wanted this holiday season to be his swan song,
They told him he was old and had been around too long.
"This is my life," he pleaded. "I have no other hobby,"
And suddenly St. Nick had transformed into St. Bobby.
It seemed his recruiting had gone carelessly awry,
Some of the reindeer stiffs he signed couldn't even fly.
So they told him bluntly, he was no longer fit to Ho-Ho-Ho,
They even hired his replacement – a younger elf named Jimbo.
As he sprang onto his sleigh and to his reindeers gave a snap,
He said, "I built North Pole U. and put it on the map.
"Because of my contributions, Christmas benefitted greatly,"
But 'ere he drove out of sight, they screamed, "YEAH, BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR US LATELY?"
Read Mike Bianchi's blog at OrlandoSentinel.com/openmike and listen to his radio show every weekday from 9-11 a.m. at 1080 AM. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.orgCopyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun