I'm so ashamed.
After returning to Page Two last week with talk about Dwight Howard, I follow that this Sunday morning with talk about Tim Tebow. Who will I pick next week — a ramdom Kardashian?
But it's not my fault. Blame it on NFL.com because they are who started it. My friends, guess who has his own "page" at the league's web site? Not Tom Brady, not Aaron Rodgers, not Drew Brees — actually not any starting quarterback.
Tim Tebow. The call it "Tebow Zone" and I don't think they intentionally want it to be funny — but it's a hoot.
The first thing you see is a 2:25 video called, wait for it, "Every Tim Tebow Game Highlight." The amazing thing is that they found a way to fill 145 seconds. It starts with Tim warming up, always a treasured highlight. And they practically go nuts when he recovers an onside kick. Hallelujah!
The first reader comment at the bottom of the page summed it up nicely: "This is ridiculous."
P.S. There is another video called "Top 10 Things We Love About Tim Tebow." I swear the first thing said was "You can see him." Right. But after a 37-second tease, you have to join something called "Total Access" to see the rest.
They should call it "Total Excess."
Speaking of excess, my Week 1 picks looked like they were made by the Dolphins. I was 8-8 straight up and 7-9 against the spread. But that's why they have a Week 2.
Houston (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1) — Texans favored by 7
Texans go from playing Miami to playing the Gags, voting Florida as their favorite state.
Jerry says: Texans but just by 3.
Tampa Bay (1-0) at East Rutherford Giants (0-1) — Giants favored by 7.5
Did you know the World Champion Giants have lost 4 of their last 5 home games? OK, now do you think that will matter today? Me neither.
Jerry says: Giants by ill-tempered 17.
Oakland (0-1) at Miami (0-1) — Raiders favored by 2.5
Fish QB Ryan Tannehill is extremely lucky: After all 16 losses, he has his wife waiting for him. I will not pick the Fish to win a game until after they prove it's possible. Settle in, 'cause this may take a while.
Jerry says: Raiders by a modest 5.
Minnesota (1-0) at Indianapolis (0-1) — Vikings favored by 1
Like Quasimodo, I've got a hunch.
Jerry says: In a Ring-'dem-Bells Upset Special, Dolts by 5.
Detroit (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0), tonight — Niners favored by 7
Forget "Shake-Gate" although I hope the two coaches do something funny at the end of the game. A word for UCF's Bruce Miller, who the pros moved from DE to FB. His blocking was great last week and he could end up in the Pro Bowl. Remember that.
Jerry says: Niners by 10.
All my picks can be seen at thebeatofsports.com — and unlike NFL.com, you don't have to join anything to look. We're not that stupid. Also, for free, you can compete in the Clear Channel pick 'em contest to win fabulous prizes. Check it out.
Here's the notes, folks
•Best line about the quality of the "Replacement Refs" comes from East Rutherford Giants LB Mathias Kiwanuka: "I haven't been held this much since I was a baby."
•You may have seen Jerry Jones' glasses being dutifully wiped for him by his son-in-law Shy Anderson during the Cowbows' opener. After proper ridicule, Shy says he is marketing "Jerry Wipes," an eye-glass cleaning product. My suggestion would be to put them on a roll and make them a bathroom product, too.
•Mike Tyson wants to make musicals now? So do I.
•You know why the escalator is the greatest invention ever? It can never really break. If it stops moving, it just turns into stairs. But then it becomes the "doityourselfalator."
•One from the master, Rodney Dangerfield: "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Closing with another monkey story
Trust me, you will love this one. It's from the London Telegraph and is about a guy getting off a plane in New Delhi and, when searched, was found hiding a monkey in his underwear. You know you want the details. Apparently India has a big animal smuggling problem. The story mentions the guy was caught earlier with 10 turtles in his pants.
Hopefully they weren't snapping turtles.
Check out the story here and have a great NFL Sunday.
Jerry joins Marc Daniels on "The Beat of Sports" Mondays through Fridays from 9 a.m. to noon on 740 The Game. He will love you if you listen. E-mail Jerry at firstname.lastname@example.orgCopyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun