As I was saying ...
... Apparently I went to the bathroom on April 15, 2009, and just got back. Wow, I sure feel better.
Wish I could say the same for the Orlando Magic. (Bada bing.) From an Orlando sports perspective, the sad saga of the Magic and Dwight Howard clearly has been the compelling story while I was away. Of course, I was able to stay concerned by working on the radio with the esteemed Marc Daniels on The Beat of Sports (Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to noon on 740 The Game — and expect to read this shameless plug at least once more).
So should I play Dr. Phil here and offer sage advice to Magic fans about how to handle the next two or three seasons? Sure. No problem. It's how I roll. OK, here's my advice: Heavy medication.
My work is done.
Let's move on.
The Fab Five Picks
Miami at Houston — Texans favored by 13 (after opening at just 6!)
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ... Did you watch "Hard Knocks," too?
Jerry says: Amused Texans by just 11.
Carolina at Tampa — Panthers favored by 2.5
We can neither confirm nor deny that new Yucs Coach Greg Schiano has threatened to take away scholarships.
Jerry says: Panthers by 5.
Jacksonville at Minnesota — Vikings favored by 3.5
Four out of five NFL experts pick the Vikes. Four out of five could be wrong.
Jerry says: In Vikes-get-pillaged Upset Special, Jags by 3.
Indianapolis at Chicago — Da Bears favored by 9.5
Magic fans should adopt the Dolts for inspirational purposes. After hitting the bottom last year, they got the first pick and found a great-looking QB. So they should be back to the playoffs in no more than, oh, three or four years. Feel better, Magic fans?
Jerry says: Da Bears by 12.
Buffalo at East Rutherford Jets — Jets favored by 3
A salute to the MetLife Stadium cleanup crew that has to turn the place around from a Wednesday game to this one. Wonder how many suicidal Giants fans they will find? The game? Well, Tim Tebow had a preseason QB rating of 26.5,so he's in mid-season form.
Jerry says: In a Tim-swears-it-will-never-happen-again Upset Special, Bills by 1.
You can find all of my Week 1 picks at thebeatofsports.com — and also enter Clear Channel's nationwide contest there along with having the chance to take me on — mano a mano — on the radio. And, yes, I picked the Giants like a fool,so I am 0-1.
Here's the notes, folks
•I know what's on your mind: This NHL labor dispute seems far more bitter than all the other NHL labor disputes. What? That isn't on your mind? Never mind.
Speaking of Dwight Howard, if you are not a fan of TMZ you may have missed Howard's tale that he sat on a toilet and the earth shook — or something like that.
Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice? Taco Bell is loco.
How would you like to be the guy whose job is to clean Jerry Jones' glasses — on national TV? But what am I sayin'? A job is a job.
Don't care what Cleveland says. You did good, Art Modell.
Closing with a monkey story
Our first Sunday together in a long time, so we want to finish strong. What can be better than an epic story about a mysterious monkey in the jungles of Tampa? Jon Mooallem wrote it a few weeks back for The New York Times and I've been saving it for today. It's long and it's amazing. Check it out here.
Have a great Sunday and see you next week.
Jerry can be reached and will answer at firstname.lastname@example.org. One last shameless plug: He joins Marc Daniels for The Beat of Sports Mondays through Fridays from 9 a.m. to noon on 740 The Game. He's the one that wheezes.