Rules bring reason back to city life

I didn't have a nanny growing up, but I did have a father who thought that a family—at least one big enough, as ours was, to field a baseball team—should function with military discipline. This was perfect preparation for adult life in Chicago.

Make beds before breakfast. Yes, sir.

Attend mass daily. Yes, sir.

Switch off lights when leaving rooms. Yes, sir.

Never say "no" in response to a parental request. Yes, sir.

Address your mother as "ma'am" and your father as "sir," and soak the pots and pans the minute the cooking's done.

Infractions were swiftly punished.

Perhaps it was this regimented upbringing that puts me in the ranks of weirdos who aren't outraged that, as a Reason magazine editor recently wrote in the Tribune, "Chicago reigns supreme when it comes to treating its citizens like children."

Reason, a libertarian journal, surveyed the 35 most populous American cities to determine how they "balance individual freedom and government paternalism."

Concluding that Chicago was the strictest of all, the article mocked our bans on handguns and public smoking and—as easy as shooting geese in a barrel—the recently rescinded ban on foie gras.

The complaints went on. The article stomped its foot over our limits on serving trans fats in restaurants and blathering on cell phones while driving.

It whimpered about our police cameras, our tax on bottled water, our high cigarette and alcohol taxes, and, in the way of many a 10-year-old, seemed to equate the fact that we can't have whatever fun we want whenever we want it with an assault on our basic freedom. But where some people see paternalism, we weirdos believe that most of Chicago's rules help turn unruly city dwellers into civilized citizens. Big cities are like big families—put a lot of people into a small space and somebody has to be charged with the power to say "Stop it."

In fact, I wouldn't mind a few more restrictions on city life. For example:

•A ban on barbecue lighter fluid. If you have ever gagged on your neighbors' fumes as they doused their charcoal and torched it, or if you've ever cruised past the barbecue thickets along the lakefront in July, you know this stuff's a killer.

•A ban on operating heavy construction machines on Saturdays. A triple fine for violating the ban on Saturday mornings in summer. No exemptions for the megamansion builders accustomed to buying their way out of rules.

The fine on violators would be donated to repair the hearing and sanity of neighbors whose summer tranquility has been sacrificed to bulldozers.

•A ban on air conditioners that run round the clock from the day the heater goes off in spring until it goes back on in fall. Fellow citizens: What's wrong with fresh air? And a little sweat is the whole purpose of summer.

•An enforced ban on honking just because you're in a hurry. The fine doubles if you honk at someone who is hypermiling. Hypermiling, in case you haven't caught the craze, is driving that maximizes your mileage, such as coasting toward stop signs.

•A ban on bicycling on city streets or any busy path (think: lakefront) wearing iPod earbuds or headphones. This is for the protection not only of hapless pedalers singing along with Coldplay, but also the people in their path.

Other worthy bans:

•No more taking fistfuls of paper napkins when you need only one.

•No more confiscating the only free table in a busy cafe before you even get in the long line to place your order. If this ban is approved, I'll be in jail in 24 hours.

And, finally, some words that should be banned because of overuse: "Awesome." "Sweet." "Nanny state."

Related topic galleries: Punishment, Fines

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