Every year I begin with more questions than answers.
When is President Obama supposed to come and take all the guns away? Wayne LaPierre and the gun lobby have been saying he's been planning to for eight years now — and there's only 20 days left, so when it supposed to happen? Considering that it is widely believed that there are more guns than people in the United States, wouldn't that require a massive logistical effort, involving the entire U.S. military, FEMA, the Muslim Brotherhood, the Black Panthers and possibly all the black helicopters the United Nations has stashed away somewhere?
If this giant gun grab is actually supposed to happen, exactly how would they all be collected and destroyed, presumably before Donald Trump takes office at 12:01p.m. on January 20th? And if they aren't to be destroyed, then wouldn't it be kind of pointless to even collect them, considering the incoming president could (and most likely would) simply return them all to their owners?
And if it isn't supposed to happen, what does that say about the credibility of those who have claimed for the last 2,921 days that "Obama's going to take all the guns away?"
Are we a socialist Muslim country yet? For the last eight years we've also been told that the socialist Muslim communist Mr. Obama would also institute Sharia law in America, yet somehow the three branches of government are still in operation, and there are no signs that he has enlisted a secret army of inner city warriors to overthrow the government and install him permanently in office. Is this to happen by the 20th? If so, shouldn't we have seen some sort of mobilization effort by now? If not, why do people still put any credibility into the rantings of AM talk radio hosts (you know who they are) who have spent the last eight years churning up and regurgitating any ridiculous so-called secret plan the "Muslim Kenyan" in the White House was supposed to have sprung on us by now? If we believe in personal responsibility, shouldn't those who have been making these allegations have at least by now apologized with an "Oops, we were wrong"?
How come we never saw that Michelle Obama "whitey" tape that was alleged to exist before the 2008 and 2012 elections?
Rush Limbaugh actually claimed that Mr. Obama was paying lesbians to become farmers and invade red states. Presuming that there are enough lesbians to go around, and that they'd all want to leave the relative comfort of blue states where there is Obamacare and Planned Parenthood and economies that pay more into the federal treasury than they take out, what exactly would those lesbians grow? And would there be enough of it to make more lesbians (one would presume that would be the point, right)?
What happened to all those FEMA concentration camps we were told about? If they really did exist, why didn't Obama put Ted Nugent in one first?
If there has been a "War On Christmas," is victory in sight for anybody?
And if there really isn't, shouldn't the guy who started up all the fuss about it, former Fox News and MSNBC talk host John Gibson, author of "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought," come out with a sequel called, "Did You Really Believe that Nonsense I Published About a War on Christmas, and How I Paid for My Kids' College Because You Bought It Hook, Line and Sinker?"
If Mr. Obama didn't really have Osama bin Laden killed, why has he been so quiet?
For the fundamentalists: If Mr. Obama really is the AntiChrist, shouldn't he have done something really spectacular by now? (Granted, there was Obamacare, but aside from getting Joe Biden to say a bad word within earshot of a live microphone, I don't know that it qualifies as Biblically impressive enough.)
How much longer will we have to qualify for those great Obama home mortgage deals that have been advertised on Yahoo for the last eight years?
And lastly, will everyone have to turn in their free Obamaphones come the inauguration?
Brian Morton (email@example.com) is a former Baltimore City Paper political columnist and the author of "Political Animal: I'd Rather Have A Better Country." His quarterly guest column will appear every other Sunday through January.