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Sometimes you are in the mood to watch something intellectually engaging, such as the Masterpiece mystery series, "Inspector Lewis." You must pay attention when watching these British mysteries, because for the first half hour, you experience a 1.7-second delay between the British actors talking and your American ears understanding what in the devil they just said.
This is because British people speak largely inside the face, whereas Americans project outward, flapping our lips expansively like sheets on a clothesline. That's why we can understand what Conan O'Brien's saying even with our televisions on mute. But we don't have the benefit of lip-reading with the British, so we must concentrate and expend at least 60 percent of our viewing brainpower simply listening.
When I watch "Inspector Lewis," I bless the DVR machine. But even that fails me from time to time. My husband and I watched one interchange several times before finally giving up. It sounded like this:
Inspector Lewis: What she can, can she now? My mum?
Sgt. Hathaway: It's a fin by the sea for naught.
Inspector Lewis: Only too delighted.
Fortunately, after the first half hour, you find you can speak British fluently and can process cerebral Masterpiece dialogue bits such as: "Is the act of repentance enough to assuage God's demand for punishment?" This is an actual snippet of dialogue from the "Allegory of Love" episode. Many of you will be intrigued and want to watch this episode immediately on Hulu, whereas others will get sidetracked by the teaser for "Desperate Housewives" and end up watching the entire last season.
Which brings me to the gist of this column: Sometimes you are just not in the mood to work for your entertainment.
This is when I suggest you might choose something, anything, that features Vin Diesel.
Recently, I rented a Vin Diesel film called "Fast and Furious." Here is the plot synopsis: Boy loves girl. Girl is murdered. Boy exacts revenge in the world of illegal street racing by crashing, flipping and exploding many expensive vehicles. I won't ruin the ending for you, but expect more racing, crashing, flipping and exploding of expensive vehicles.
It's kind of a no-brainer, and this might be just what you need at the end of a mentally strenuous workweek. There's Vin, looking like a fine, manly specimen in his T-shirt, his bald head shimmering with exertion as he furrows his brow in his signature expression studied by many and understood by few. Is it unbridled fury? Is it remorse? No, the Janet's World film school reveals it is just Vin fleetingly questioning the morality of pounding his sinewy fists into some deserving underworld thug.
After the deed is done and order is restored, he might say something, or he might not, but it really doesn't matter because you won't be able to hear what he's saying over the screeching tires and weapon fire anyway.
Something else I like about a good Vin Diesel film is that I never have any problem keeping the characters straight. There are obvious bad guys and obvious good guys. And this is strangely refreshing, because in real life there are no such characters; we know good guys with flaws and bad guys with good intentions, and the wins and losses are often messy. It's lovely to root for the good guy and see him win in the end, which doesn't always happen in life.
Of course, Inspector Lewis usually wins, too, but the plot takes a more scholarly and circuitous route.
I'm glad I have these two men in my flat-screen world to entertain me based on my mood at the moment. Perhaps they might even meet up sometime in the future. Look for my new series, "Bloody Caseload," where Inspector Lewis always solves the most intricate homicide cases, and Vin Diesel makes sure those responsible take their tea with two lumps.
This is because British people speak largely inside the face, whereas Americans project outward, flapping our lips expansively like sheets on a clothesline. That's why we can understand what Conan O'Brien's saying even with our televisions on mute. But we don't have the benefit of lip-reading with the British, so we must concentrate and expend at least 60 percent of our viewing brainpower simply listening.
When I watch "Inspector Lewis," I bless the DVR machine. But even that fails me from time to time. My husband and I watched one interchange several times before finally giving up. It sounded like this:
Inspector Lewis: What she can, can she now? My mum?
Sgt. Hathaway: It's a fin by the sea for naught.
Inspector Lewis: Only too delighted.
Fortunately, after the first half hour, you find you can speak British fluently and can process cerebral Masterpiece dialogue bits such as: "Is the act of repentance enough to assuage God's demand for punishment?" This is an actual snippet of dialogue from the "Allegory of Love" episode. Many of you will be intrigued and want to watch this episode immediately on Hulu, whereas others will get sidetracked by the teaser for "Desperate Housewives" and end up watching the entire last season.
Which brings me to the gist of this column: Sometimes you are just not in the mood to work for your entertainment.
This is when I suggest you might choose something, anything, that features Vin Diesel.
Recently, I rented a Vin Diesel film called "Fast and Furious." Here is the plot synopsis: Boy loves girl. Girl is murdered. Boy exacts revenge in the world of illegal street racing by crashing, flipping and exploding many expensive vehicles. I won't ruin the ending for you, but expect more racing, crashing, flipping and exploding of expensive vehicles.
It's kind of a no-brainer, and this might be just what you need at the end of a mentally strenuous workweek. There's Vin, looking like a fine, manly specimen in his T-shirt, his bald head shimmering with exertion as he furrows his brow in his signature expression studied by many and understood by few. Is it unbridled fury? Is it remorse? No, the Janet's World film school reveals it is just Vin fleetingly questioning the morality of pounding his sinewy fists into some deserving underworld thug.
After the deed is done and order is restored, he might say something, or he might not, but it really doesn't matter because you won't be able to hear what he's saying over the screeching tires and weapon fire anyway.
Something else I like about a good Vin Diesel film is that I never have any problem keeping the characters straight. There are obvious bad guys and obvious good guys. And this is strangely refreshing, because in real life there are no such characters; we know good guys with flaws and bad guys with good intentions, and the wins and losses are often messy. It's lovely to root for the good guy and see him win in the end, which doesn't always happen in life.
Of course, Inspector Lewis usually wins, too, but the plot takes a more scholarly and circuitous route.
I'm glad I have these two men in my flat-screen world to entertain me based on my mood at the moment. Perhaps they might even meet up sometime in the future. Look for my new series, "Bloody Caseload," where Inspector Lewis always solves the most intricate homicide cases, and Vin Diesel makes sure those responsible take their tea with two lumps.
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