If you are on Facebook, you are aware that annoying features keep popping up inviting you to identify which Peanuts character you are, which Star Trek figure you are, what animal, vegetable, or mineral you would be, or the like.

Rather than a piecemeal approach, here’s a thorough inventory of my answers.

What color are you?

Charcoal gray

Which fabric are you?


What brown liquor are you?


Which antacid are you?


Which Plantagenet monarch are you?

Richard II: patron to Chaucer, given to ill-advised authoritarian decisions

What euphemism for “to die” are you?

Climb the golden staircase

Which management buzzword are you?

Doing more with less

Which of the fallen angels in Paradise Lost are you?

Belial: “to vice industrious, but to nobler deeds / Timorous and slothful, yet he pleased the ear.”

What typeface are you?