I have just five words of advice for Dean McDermott, wayward husband of one Tori Spelling: Dude, don’t ever say that!
In case you’re worried about missing it, the couple’s new reality series, “True Tori,” debuts Tuesday on Lifetime. (Sure, this channel we can get. But the Dodgers? No!) It features the comings and goings of Tori and Dean, husband and wife, parents of four children, reality TV stars — just two folks trying to make do, all while caught in the morass of a troubled marriage brought on by his infidelity. I think.
Thanks to a teaser clip, we already know “True Tori” is going to be more “true” than all but the sadists out there would like.
In the clip, Tori and Dean are shown seeing a female therapist in an attempt to mend their relationship. Whether because it’s a) a reality TV show and you need a “hook” or b) he’s an idiot, Dean quickly commits the worst faux pax a husband can make when he candidly discusses the couple’s, ahem, so-called sex life.
Read on, though be prepared to cover your eyes and cringe a lot:
Dean: “We have four kids, so in the sex department there were ebbs and flows.”
Tori: “We had a great relationship and we had a great sex life.”
Dean: “We would have sex once every two weeks. It wasn’t fantastic.”
Dean (speaking for clueless men everywhere): “What?! What did I say?”
OK, so it isn’t “Game of Thrones.” You’re hooked anyway, right?
Unfortunately, and somewhat unbelievably, things go downhill from there. Dean quickly finds out just who chose this particular therapist (spoiler alert: not him) when she lets him have it: “Dean, your expectations of what a marriage is supposed to be like sexually — it’s like a fairy tale.”
Tori (tearfully): “I can never give him enough sex. He’s never going to be happy with just me.”
Dean (digging a deeper hole in the mistaken belief it’s an escape tunnel): “I’m insatiable. Sex was an escape, just like drugs and alcohol. I was out of control.”
Oh, there’s plenty more. Suffice to say, though (paraphrasing the Bard), all is not well that ends. Dean, having seemingly figured out that when caught in this marriage trap, the best defense is always to take the blame, decides instead to chew off his own foot.
Dean: “I cheated on my wife. That's my worst nightmare.”
Tori: “Or that you got caught?”
Dean: “I — I don’t know.”
Perhaps they should’ve named the show “Clueless Dean”?
Now, some of you may recall my last foray writing about the world of reality TV, “Let’s pluck ‘Duck Dynasty’ and sweep away trailer-trash TV,” in December. Then, I penned these haughty and fateful words: “The way I see it, we’re at a crossroads, TV-wise. We need to be mad as hell about this garbage. We need to say, ‘I’m not gonna watch this anymore.’”
So what gives? Isn’t “True Tori” garbage too? Why am I wasting bytes on something so banal?
Well, uh, maybe it’s for the same reason we don’t turn away from a car wreck.
Or maybe it is, ahem, as Dean so thoughtfully puts it: “I — I don’t know.”